I thought this was a dark, depressing mission
by Noraque
Summary: Who says all the stuff about Mass Effect 2 has to be 'darker' and 'grittier? Even on a dangerous suicide mission, there has to be some room for laughs. Some fun being poked at a few scenarios during the game. Please READ AND REVIEW!
1. Chapter 1

Jack couldn't believe what she was seeing.

Here she was, in the depths of a Collector Ship; the _same_ Collector Ship she had seen on Horizon; the _same_ ship that had sent off the chain of events that got her here two years ago when spaced the ass of the first human Spectre. Shepard, Garrus and she were in the heart of the ship itself, having just learned that the Collectors were in fact Protheans recreated by the Reapers to suit their own sick-ass purposes; EDI had notified them that the Illusive Man had knowingly sent them right into Collector hands (big fucking surprise there- what the hell did you expect from Cerberus?) and right now they were battling their way through the waves of Collectors to get back to the hovercraft before the ship's weapons came back online and blew them straight into galactic hell.

And _what_ was the Saviour of the Galaxy doing?

Instead of blowing away the Collectors blocking their path from here to freedom, the commander was racing from place to place, eagerly opening up various cases to reveal valuable minerals and useless extra heavy weapon ammo. Not only that, she taking the time to hack and decrypt random consoles around the ship, trying to match up blocks of puzzles while the Collector drones fired highly-advanced big-ass guns at them!

"Shepard," Jack called from behind her place of cover, which happened to be the only bit of cover in the whole room that was shielding her from the Collectors heavy fire, "I don't mean to interrupt your strange sense of fun right in the middle of it, but what the _fuck_ are you doing?!"

"Jack, this is amazing!" Shepard's delighted voice came over the sound of gunfire from somewhere across the room. "Do you realize how many random crates of valuable minerals we've come across in here? It's like the Collectors just _wanted_ us to find them lying around! I just found a crate containing two thousand units of Element Zero! This day just keeps getting better and better!"

"What the fuck do you need more Element Zero for?!" Jack moved up out of cover just as Garrus' assault rifle took down the biotic barriers of a Collector that got too close for its own good. A quick pump her shotgun blew the alien away with a satisfying spray of what she assumed to be blood in the air. "You have way too much of the shit anyway! You've already upgraded my biotic implants and researched every single biotic project in the Tech Lab! Are you telling me hacking through consoles and collecting useless minerals is more important than saving our own asses?!"

"Hah! Just got another crate of Platinum! Let's see- if I remember right, I only need twenty three thousand six hundred and fifty-two more units of Platinum to go before I can research the Cain heavy weapon. Hmm- maybe _this_ crate has some more…"

Jack gritted her teeth as she hunkered down beside Garrus. "I swear," she growled at the turian, "if I die in here because your old pal- the so-called 'Saviour of the fucking Galaxy'- spends her time looking for useless shit instead of blowing these sons of bitches to hell and back, I'm going to kill her myself! Then I'm going to kill that Cerberus bitch cheerleader Miranda for bringing her back- which I may do even if I survive this. Then I'm going to find the Illusive Man and kill him just for _thinking_ of bringing her back. Come to think of it, why don't I just kill everyone on board the Normandy and save myself the headache later on?"

Garrus popped up from cover and delivered another volley of fire from his rifle, coming back into cover just as his shields went down. "I hate to be the one to break it to you Jack," he said as he popped out a heat sink, "mostly since one blink from you could probably rip me in half, but right now we have bigger things to concentrate on than Shepard's liberal sense of priority in high-intensity combat situations."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means we need to deal with that huge Scion that's flanking our left right now."

Turning towards the area he was indicating, Jack muttered unprintable obscenities under her breath. She knew her biotics would be useless against the Scion's heavy armour, and Garrus' weapon damage and concussive shot would only be so effect against the creature. They would need someone whose weapons and powers were designed to take out the Scion's armour. For a second, Jack wished Mordin or even Miranda were here. Mordin's Incinerate ability should, as the salarian so often put it, 'burn through any armour'; and while she was no fan of Miranda, she had to admit the cheerleader's Warp ability was right now the strongest on the team and could severely damage any armoured target. Why the hell had Shepard brought the convict along when she had to have anticipated this?

"Look Shepard," Jack yelled to the unseen commander, "I know how much you love searching for minerals. Shit, if we get out of this alive, I'll help you with it later on! But right now we have a big fucking Scion moving in on our left and we need help taking it out!"

"Oh, alright." Shepard huffed as she jogged over towards their position; her armour made a clanging noise every time she took a step which sounded suspiciously like heavy weapons ammo and mineral containers clashing together. She was just about ten feet away from the pair when something to her left caught her attention; her eyes lit up and she made a break for whatever it was.

"Shepard?"

"It's another one of those consoles, Jack! If it's anything like the last few I've seen on this ship, it's bound to have at least a hundred credits in it! Hmm, it seems to be heavily encrypted. Ah well, I'll just get to work on the long code selection process…"

Jack ground her teeth, and was seriously considering turning her shotgun on her so-called 'leader' when Garrus let out a cry of triumph. "Got it! Just one more Collector drone to kill and then we just need to deal with the Scion."

"About fucking time." Jack slid her shotgun away and pulled out her armour-piercing heavy pistol. "I was seriously considering slapping her ass with a Pull and seeing how well she flew. Guess I'll have to make do seeing how well a Collector bitch flies."

Garrus shot the biotic a reproachful look as he pulled out his sniper rifle. "Look, we're all a little tense right now. Let's just deal with this and get the hell out of here. I'm going to keep the Scion back with my sniper rifle and deal as much damage to it as possible while you deal with the Collector drone. As long as nothing happens to reinforce it and make it a more difficult enemy, you should be able to…"

'_Direct intervention is necessary…'_

Jack's body sparked and crackled with a dangerous blue aura…

"_SHEPARD!!!!"_

**A/N: Just a quick note: I WILL be writing a long, serious ME2 fic, but I figured I could write this out first. Maybe I'll continue it if I get enough reviews…**


	2. Chapter 2

"Bring a full round of drinks over here! And don't bring us any of that watered down crap! We're the best damn squad this galaxy has ever faced and we don't settle for anything but the best!"

Shepard leaned back in her chair, a large grin spreading over her face. And why the hell not? Her entire team, including her non-squad crew had just made it back threw the Omega 4 Relay after blowing the Collectors all the way to Collector hell, destroyed a Human-Reaper with nothing but their own guns, and then, to top it off, she had basically told the Illusive Man to go screw himself. And the best thing about that was everyone on board praised her for it- even Miranda and Jacob couldn't conceal their grins after hearing her little speech. Of course, now that they had quit Cerberus they could safely do so without fear of repercussions.

The entire field team were gathered around one large oval-shaped table in a corner of the Dark Star Lounge on the Citadel. Even Legion, who was physically incapable of drinking anything, was there in order to 'gain a consensus on the recreational habits of organics'. Joker and Kelly were also present; Ken and Gabby had opted to go off on their own to spend some quality time together, much in part to Kelly's encouragement and much to Joker's amusement. Shepard sat on one end of the table between Garrus and Tali; Joker, Thane, Grunt, Mordin, and Miranda lined the left side of the table while Kelly, Legion, Jack, Samara, and Jacob lined the right side. They were unquestionably the most odd and unlikely group in the entire club, but right now that didn't matter. They'd just saved the galaxy and if they wanted to kick back and get trashed during their self-appointed shore leave, then that's damn well what they were going to do.

"Okay Collector Slayers," Shepard announced from her seat and twelve triumphant faces (or at least she assumed twelve since Tali and Legion's expressions were difficult to read) turned towards her, "I assume you know the reason we've all dragged our asses into this delightful place is that we have some serious celebrating to do!"

There was a round of cheers from everyone at the table.

"The Collector threat has been eradicated from the face of the galaxy, and right now the Reapers are pissing their mechanical pants, shaking in fear because the biggest bunch of badasses just blew one of their prototypes from here to galactic hell with handguns and rifles!"

Another round of cheers came from the group.

"Not to mention the fact I may have told the almighty Illusive Man, in slightly more polite terms, to go fuck himself!"

Jacob laughed out loud. "Man, I would've paid top dollar to see that! It's about damn time someone looked him in his dead eyes and brought him back down to our level."

Even Miranda couldn't help but smirk at the situation. "For once Commander, I think you may have been too polite with him. As far as I'm concerned, the Illusive Man can kiss my arse!"

Jack raised an eyebrow. "You keep up with that attitude cheerleader, and I might just have to think twice about butchering you alive."

Shepard grinned. Here they were- the most unlikely team in the galaxy, who would probably be killing each other if they weren't forced to team up against the Collectors- sitting in a bar joking like old friends. If that didn't make the top five list of the things she least expected to see in her life, she didn't know what would.

"So because we're officially the most hardcore group in the universe, we're going to drink like the most hardcore group in the universe!" She announced as the asari waitress arrived with a platter full of assorted alcoholic drinks. Each member of the group received the strongest beverage their species could tolerate; even Legion had received a bottle of human beer, though it was content to study and analyze the alcohol level in it to make a connection between its exact effects of the human body and the carefree, provocative attitude in which many organic species were partaking in the lounge.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Shepard raised her glass. "Here's to the second team of the Saviours of the Galaxy!"

"And this time, hopefully we'll get more time to enjoy it!" Tali remarked happily, raising her own glass specially designed for her suit.

"I wish I'd been with you during the Saren months!" Kelly smiled. "I can't imagine the feeling of pride you must have felt when you saved the galaxy from total extinction."

"The success of stopping galactic threats appears to have a direct affect on the organic species' desire to consume large amounts of high-grade alcohol and partake in sexual hazardous activities, Shepard-Commander." Legion interjected. "We recommend caution if you intend to consume more than one of these beverages in the next few hours; the danger of becoming intoxicated and partaking in risky sexual activity with a crewmember would increase by 10.8%- rounding down."

"Just so long as you don't decide to pull some freaky shit on me, I couldn't care less." Jack smirked. "Anyways, you'd have to get a _hell_ of lot more drinks into me before I'd even consider not crushing you with a shockwave for even thinking that. Speaking of which, I'm really in the mood to kill someone, and right now Grunt, I'm thinking of killing a certain krogan in a drinking contest."

Grunt chuckled. "Just try to outlast me Jack. You'll go down in no time; you humans are all weak, especially when it comes to holding your liquor."

"I admit it is pleasant to take great comfort in the peace and solitude of friends in the aftermath of a heated battle." Samara remarked, holding her own glass. "While I do not often partake in the party lifestyle that many younger individuals do, it is relaxing to have companions to enjoy myself with at this moment."

"I agree." Thane replied, finding himself relating to the concept of an 'old warrior'. Of course, he didn't have nearly the experience of the justicar, but hey- a drell had to get them where he could find them. "It is nice in my final months of life to enjoy the comforts of friendship and companionship."

"Hey Commander," Jacob piped up, "why don't we get a bar installed in the _Normandy_? That way we won't have to spend all those credits you constantly find during missions on shore leave!"

"Finding a place to install such a thing and building it would require far more credits than any type of shore leave would, Jacob." Miranda said in her usual business tone. "It would be a waste of Cerberus…" She paused, realization coming over her face. "Oh that's right. We don't work for Cerberus anymore. Forget what I just said; I'll start searching for an appropriate place for the bar."

"Indeed." Mordin spoke up. "Different species respond to stress differently. However, seems likely that common bond between multiple species involves insatiable desire to consume alcoholic beverages. Irrational at first glance. Wilful subjection to intoxication. Danger of falling and injuring oneself more likely. Hazard of contracting sexually transmitted disease increases significantly. However, also see appeal of actions. Numbing of physical and mental pain. Temporary distraction from fate of entire galaxy resting in your hands. Opportunity to share with friends. Have come to one sensible conclusion." He inhaled audibly. "Must get drunk."

"As if we didn't have enough reason to celebrate already," Joker added, "we get to keep the brand new ship that kicked the ass of the big bad Collector ship near the base. My baby's running just as smoothly as it ever was!"

"Are you talking about the _Normandy_ Joker, or the smooth-talking AI that came with it?" Garrus said in a teasing fashion.

"Hey, I'll have you know that any relationship between EDI and I is strictly professional! And anyway, how would that even work out if we tried? A human and a machine? That's just messed." He raised an eyebrow and waited until the turian was taking a sip of his drink. "I mean, it's not like I would take any tips on interspecies relationships from a guy who privately fantasizes about his commanding officer."

Anything else Joker was planning to say was abruptly and violently interrupted by Garrus suddenly choking and blowing a mouthful of beer across the table, subsequently managing to soak Tali, Legion and Kelly with the alcoholic beverage. Shepard quickly reached over and slapped the turian on the back until he managed to stop coughing.

"Alert!" Legion's voice penetrated the noise. "Hazardous material disrupting vital data storages. Rerouting data to undamaged units."

Tali wiped her visor with her hand amusedly. Kelly stared down at her soaked shirt, over towards the striking figure of Garrus, and a slight blush came into her cheeks.

"You alright there, Garrus?" Shepard asked concerned.

"I'm fine, Shepard." Garrus fixed Joker with a death glare. "But I can't say the same is going to be true for everyone here before the night is over."

The pilot threw up his hands. "Hey, don't kill the pilot! EDI may be able to control the ship if necessary, but who's going to be the one shouting all the cool lines when we knock Harbinger and all his Reaper pals on their sentient asses?"

"Take it easy, Garrus. We're here to relax, remember?" Shepard signalled the waitress again.

_And if this bunch is going to relax, we're going to need a __lot__ more drinks…_

***

**Two hours later…**

"I just want you guys to know," Shepard announced loudly, slurring her words, "that no matter what happens with the Reapers or Cerberus or whatever," she hiccupped loudly, "I love each and every one of you!"

There was a chorus of equally inebriated cheers from around the table.

"Shepard," a clearly drunk Tali managed to speak, "we really ought to hang out more often, you know? Back on the flotilla, we never managed to enjoy ourselves so much. It should be just the two of us- one big happy girls' night out!"

"Just the two of you out all night, huh?" Joker chuckled, clutching onto his own glass. "Be sure to set up a video camera and uplink it the _Normandy_."

He continued to chuckle even at the pointed stares of the two women. Garrus leaned over and mumbled (or at least tried to in his inebriated state), "You don't want to piss them off, trust me. Shepard could snap your neck in a second and Tali's got a great defence system. I ought to know- I've tried."

Joker erupted into laughter, though whether from his own drunkenness or his misinterpretation of the turian's meaning was unclear.

Kelly merely shook her head and slurred, "If you two are going out, then don't even think of leaving me behind! I've always been one to be a part of a group of three! I've just never imagined it would happen with another species!"

This time it was Garrus who erupted into laughter. Turning towards the pilot, he said between breaths, "Forget what I just said; _I'll_ bring the video camera!"

"How come you get to have all the fun?"

"I'm way better at it. Anyway, what do you think EDI would do to you if she caught you watching any member of the _Normandy_ that wasn't her?"

Joker gulped, apparently considering what it would mean to invoke the AI's wrath.

There was a loud crash from the centre of the table. Looking over in the direction of the noise, Shepard observed Jack slam down another empty glass alongside a bunch of other empty glasses in front of her. The ex-convict looked up triumphantly across to her drinking companion. "That's twenty each Grunt!" Her speech distinctly reflected the amount of alcohol she'd consumed. "You think you're tough enough for another round, or are you a pussy like everyone else who's tried to beat me in anything?"

The krogan gave a smile. "Give me a break; I'm just getting started." His slurred words didn't quite back up his claim as well as he would have liked.

"Shepard-Commander," Legion interjected, "we have determined that almost every member of the crew, including Shepard-Commander herself, have significantly high levels of alcohol in their bloodstream, particularly the human biotic and the krogan. Recommend subjects Jack and Grunt be transported back to the _Normandy_ as cargo without delay."

Shepard could only roll her eyes. How could she have forgotten Legion's presence? As a geth, it was probably the one that stood out the most of their screwed up group. Not that the synthetic didn't deserve some love and attention as well. However, before she could make any response, her attention was suddenly drawn elsewhere.

"_I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A SCIENTIST SALARIAN,_

_I'VE STUDIED SPECIES TURIAN, ASARI AND BATARIAN!_"

Shepard turned a stunned face to the other end of the table, staring in shock at the scene unfolding; Mordin, apparently in his own state of inebriation had stood up from his seat and was now belting out his version of Gilbert and Sullivan at the top of his lungs. Many other patrons in the lounge looked over startled towards the scientist.

"_I'M QUITE GOOD AT GENETICS (AS A SUBSET OF BIOLOGY),_

_BECAUSE I AM AN EXPERT (WHICH I KNOW IS A TAUTOLOGY)!_"

In her less than sober state, Shepard found herself roaring with laughter at the normally work-driven salarian scientist expressing his drunken stupor in the best way he knew how. Even though she had heard him sing before, somehow, when you were drunk, _everything_ seemed funnier.

Mordin leapt up onto the table and spread his arms, much the same way he had when singing the last two stanzas of his song back in the lab.

"_MY XENOSCIENCE STUDIES RANGE FROM URBAN TO AGRARIAN,_

_I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A SCIENTIST SALARIAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!!_"

Mordin fell silent, his arms still held up in the air. Shepard stared at him amusedly, waiting for him to give an embarrassed cough like he had when she had first seen his song performed on the _Normandy_.

Except this time, instead of the cough, she was greeted with the sight of Mordin passing out on his feet and falling backwards off the table, landing with a thunderous _crash_ on the floor.

Grunt snickered as he stared down at the unconscious salarian sprawled out like an X near his overturned chair. "I guess some people really _can't_ hold their liquor!"

"Awww!" Kelly looked dreamy-eyed to her right. "Would you look at those two? It's so _cute_!"

For a second in her drunken state, Shepard amusedly thought the Yeoman was referring to Mordin and Grunt (a thought that would have scared the hell out of her had she been sober), but then caught sight of what she was referring to; at some point during Mordin's performance, Thane had crawled drunkenly under the table and was now resting peacefully with his head in Samara's lap. The asari, likely equally intoxicated, was leaning back in her chair, eyes semi-closed, smile on her face as she gently stroked the drell's face.

"Well I'll be…" Shepard shook her head. Kelly was right- they _were_ cute. In an odd sort of way. Thane and Samara, she had always thought, shared some kind of special bond- both over the nature of their work and their personal and spiritual beliefs. The assassin and the justicar- now _that_ was something she really ought to get a picture of!

"Hah!" Jacob snickered. "I'd love to see their faces tomorrow when we tell them what they were up to in here!"

"Jacob," Shepard said, "by tomorrow you won't remember a damn thing about what happened here; none of us will." She grinned brightly. "That's why we're doing everything we'd never do if we were sober!"

"_Everything_, commander?" Jacob raised his eyebrows suggestively. "I'm not sure we've crossed that line yet… Maybe it's time this shore leave involved some _real_ down time! I'm thinking of spending it… down on the floor with a certain superior officer."

"Please Jacob," Miranda said with a slight slur, "in your condition you'd fall asleep before you got your shirt off. Anyway, the commander could probably break you in half with her thighs if she wanted to."

"Hey, I didn't hear _you_ complaining at the time! The way I remember it, you said you'd never complain about any experience you and I had!"

"I'm not going to say it wasn't fun. I mean, when you put two biotics together in the same engine room…"

"Damn, don't remind me of that! My lower body still hasn't fully recovered!"

Miranda grinned. "Oh yeah. That one night was far too much for the all mighty Alliance soldier, wasn't it?"

Jacob smirked. "After hearing the way you practiced your reports to the Illusive Man in your sleep, I'd say that's right."

"Hey," Garrus drunkenly interjected into the discussion, "no fair singling out Shepard." The commander turned a smiling, triumphant face towards the ex-Cerberus operative. "She's much too hot a woman to be with you anyway."

Jacob's mouth dropped open in shock, while Shepard and Miranda both valiantly tried- and valiantly failed- to hold back their laughter. Hauling his jaw up off the table, Jacob frowned and crossed his arms. "Fine then, Vakarian. If you think you can do better, by all means. But I'm telling you- come the morning, you're going to be regretting this!"

"Come the morning, I think we're _all_ going to be regretting this." Shepard shook her head and immediately regretted it as a wave of nausea swept over her.

"Not me." Kelly smiled. "I'm going to be really lonely if I have to spend all night in my pod alone without anyone to share it with." A suggestive look came into her eye as she stared at Garrus. "Besides, I'd love to get a more… _in-depth_ look into the psychological state of turians when they are… uh, in action."

Garrus couldn't help but chuckle- a clear sign of his inebriation since his true self would have been fumbling for an appropriate response and end up saying a horribly misplaced metaphor. Right now, the young Yeoman looked pretty good in his eyes; in fact it seemed like her chest had grown more pronounced ever since he accidently soaked her with beer.

"I think I might be able to… help in that situation Kelly. You know me; always whipping out the big gun to deliver that one big last shot dead on target!"

Shepard couldn't help but roar with laughter; okay, maybe Garrus' horrible metaphors still found their way into his mind during a drunken bout. If she remembered this the next morning, this was something she'd _definitely_ have to rib him about!

Kelly continued to smile in her drunken, cheery way as she turned towards Shepard. "You wouldn't mind if I took your macho turian rebel away for a little while, would you? I've always been intrigued by men with scars."

Shepard merely shook her head. "You want him Kelly, he's all yours. Just be careful with his face."

"Aw, you mean the poor guy is still in pain from his little accident?"

"No- I mean his teeth can cut up your tongue if your not careful. I had to get an emergency oral ointment from Mordin the last time."

Kelly's inebriated eyes opened wide, while Garrus continued to smirk in the Yeoman's direction. Shepard chuckled and said, "Course if you guys are planning on doing anything tonight, I still have some of it in my quarters. Mordin's advice is very useful; I suggest you pay him a visit the next time you want to explore physical interspecies relationships."

A happily drunk Kelly smiled again. "If you say so Shepard. Right now I'm on top of the galaxy," she made a stumbling effort to stand upright, "and all I want is some hot turian love!"

"Well seeing as how we're all on top of the galaxy," Shepard grinned as she made an effort of her own to stand, "I suggest we get on our way to saving it! Everyone head back to the _Normandy_ so we can kick some Reaper ass!"

There was a chorus of drunken cheers around the table as slowly one by one the crew got to their feet.

"Damn it, and here I thought I was going to get lucky tonight." Jacob grumbled in a less than sober fashion. "Why is it that I always get the short end of the stick?"

"Oh Jacob, you're such a pouter." Miranda slurred. "You're just upset that Garrus managed to outwit you when he had funk like a dish. Uh, no wait- that's wrong… I mean drunk like a fish."

"It doesn't matter." Jacob continued, the alcohol breaking down his cool, carefree attitude. "No matter what I do in this damn universe, I never come with something in my favour. I mean it's almost as like someone else is pulling the strings, making Shepard avoid joining up with me! What is this- some kind of video game where the player holds the fate of the characters in their hand?"

"Don't be absurd. That would be like Shepard picking me to go after the Human-Reaper since she knew I would quit Cerberus if she chose to destroy the base." A seductive look came into her. "Besides, I know that a little while down memory the line, _I_ certainly was not getting the short end of the stick…" She gave a damn good wink considering her eyes were half-closed from inebriation. "I think I could manage to clear the engine room when we get back on board…"

Jacob suddenly was at full attention. "You know, now that you mention it I actually felt pretty good after that last time…"

There was a low, Aussie sounding giggle as Miranda and Jacob slung their arms around each other, mostly to keep themselves upright, and staggered out of the club. Pretty soon the other members of the crew were following their example. Kelly and Garrus, both still grinning drunkenly, made their way out followed by Jack and Grunt. Thane and Samara staggered out, holding onto each other rather affectionately, while Legion slung the unconscious body of Mordin over its shoulder to carry the salarian back- as 'cargo', Shepard figured.

Joker got to his feet and immediately stumbled against the table. Rolling her eyes, Shepard got on one side of the pilot while Tali took the other side. The drunk man immediately got a gleam into his eye.

"Hey, I guess you decided to include me in your little 'night away from everyone else' after all, huh?" Joker grinned. "You should let me get my camera before you ladies, uh… _begin_."

"Joker," Tali said, "I may be drunk but I'm not oblivious. Don't make me 'accidently' drop you on the floor and break every bone in your body."

Joker pouted. "You're such a spoiler. But I'd still have the boss to hang on to! And you wouldn't let me fall would you Commander? Me being the best pilot in the galaxy and your favourite person, right?"

Shepard could only shake her head in amusement. They _definitely_ had to get out for shore leave more often.

**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Please review!!!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This is based on one of the 'hidden dialogue' videos on Youtube, where Shepard leaves one crew member with Garrus on Omega. Some of the dialogues are from the game and some are from my own imagination. Enjoy!**

**Shepard:** Let's split up two and two. Keep one of my squad here with you.

**Garrus:** You sure? Who knows what you'll find down there!

**Shepard:** Jacob, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Jacob:** If you say so. I'm not really sure about this…

**Shepard:** Shut up and charge up your biotics!

**Garrus:** Thanks Shepard. You'd better get going.

**Shepard:** One moment. Jack, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Jack:** Yep.

**Garrus:** Uh Shepard, doesn't this mean you'll be going down there without any backup?

**Shepard:** Not at all! I got lots of options here! Grunt, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Grunt:** I don't care where I fight, as long as I get to hurt someone!

**Garrus:** Where the hell did he come from?

**Shepard: **I summoned him from the ship via Rapid Transit Console. You'd be surprised how quickly things happen in this day and age!

**Garrus**: …okay…

**Shepard:** Mordin, stay with Garrus; keep him safe.

**Mordin:** Will do what I can.

**Garrus:** Uh, why'd you ask him to keep me just 'safe'?

**Shepard:** He's a doctor and the only one truly capable of keeping you alive; therefore it's logical I wouldn't tell him to keep you alive. That's the way the game works!

**Garrus:** Game? What game?

**Shepard:** You'll see. Miranda, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Miranda:** …

**Shepard:** Uh, aren't you going to say something like everyone else?

**Miranda:** Apologies commander. I assumed you were tired of hearing me say 'understood, commander'.

**Shepard:** I don't care! Just say something so I know you heard me! Stay with Garrus!

**Miranda:** Understood, commander.

**Garrus:** Uh, Shepard- you _did_ say two and two, didn't you?

**Shepard:** Samara, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Samara:** As you wish.

**Garrus:** Wait a minute; isn't she supposed to be picked up _after_ me?

**Shepard:** (shrugs) My mission, my rules. Speaking of which- Thane, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Thane: **Excellent. I can do more damage from up here anyway.

**Garrus:** Hey! There's only room for one sniper on this team, pal!

**Shepard:** You don't want to piss him off; he's a damn good assassin. Tali, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Tali:** Just like old times, Garrus.

**Garrus:** Yeah. One big happy reunion. Listen Shepard; maybe you should get going…

**Shepard:** Legion, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Legion:** Acknowledged.

**Garrus:** Ummm… okay Shepard, I'm going to trust you on this but we're going to have a long talk when this is over.

**Shepard:** Don't bother; you'll just be in the middle of some calibrations whenever I walk in. Zaeed, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Zaeed:** Bloody right mate!

**Garrus:** Uh, Shepard- don't you think this is a bit much?

**Shepard;** Oh, I'm just getting started! Kasumi, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Kasumi:** You got it, Shep!

**Garrus:** Shep? Okay, what the hell did I miss?

**Shepard:** Don't even ask. Joker, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Joker:** Aye-aye Commander. Just give me a leather chair and a standard rifle and we're good to go.

**Garrus:** Uh, Shepard- do you really think it's a good idea to…

**Shepard:** Just bear with me. EDI, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**EDI:** Very well Commander. I will distract the mercenaries with the complete history humanity's rise in the galaxy until you return. Logging you out, Shepard.

**Garrus:** (incredulously) You're planning on leaving me with an AI that intends to try to bore the mercs to death??

**Shepard:** Doctor Chakwas, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Dr. Chakwas:** As you would have it Commander.

**Garrus:** Nice to see you too Doc, but do you really think you should…

**Shepard:** Kelly, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Kelly:** Oooh! I'm gonna love me some turian!

**Garrus:** Uh Shepard, are you feeling alright?

**Shepard:** Perfectly fine. Just exercising my right of choice in this universe. Ken and Gabby, stay with Garrus, keep him alive.

**Ken:** I'm prepped to kick these buggers right in the daddy bags!

**Gabby:** Can you think of nothing else but that particular region of you body?

**Ken:** Just because _you_ love admiring it…

**Garrus:** Uh, Commander….

**Shepard:** Right- on to the next one. Illusive Man, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Illusive Man:** Preservation of turian life is not on our current list of Cerberus goals; preservation of humanity is. (takes drag from cigarette). But I'll see what I can do.

**Garrus:** Shepard?

**Shepard: **Don't pay him any attention; he'll die of lung cancer soon anyway. Conrad, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Conrad:** You got it Shepard! Just wait until these mercs come running into my sights! I've got guns to shoot and asses to kick!

**Garrus:** Shepard…

**Shepard:** Don't worry; he'll be dead in five minutes. Anderson, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Councillor Anderson:** Roger that Commander. Everyone get to cover behind that sofa! Ramirez, you take point! We're Oscar Mike!

**Garrus:** …

**Anderson:** Oh sorry, wrong game. (folds hands behind back). Oh course Commander, I understand. I'll do everything in my power to keep Garrus alive.

**Garrus:** Shepard, do you really think…

**Anderson:** Get down! That YMIR Heavy Mech has a visual on you!

**Shepard:** See Anderson, this is why I nominated you _out_ of the field. Udina, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Udina:** What?! You expect me to lay my life down for a turian renegade?! Shepard, do the words 'political shitstorm' mean anything to you?

**Garrus:** Shepard, if you leave him here, _I'm_ going to shoot him!

**Shepard:** I'll try not to get too upset. Citadel Council, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Turian Councillor:** Ah yes, 'Garrus Vakarian'; a former C-Sec officer who joined you in your foolish quest to prove the existence of Reapers and who wanted to become a Spectre. Ah, we have dismissed that claim.

**Garrus:** Shepard…

**Shepard:** I promise if they're still alive by the time we get back, I'll kill them myself. Harbinger, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Harbinger:** Assuming direct control of the sniper…

**Garrus:** Uh, no! That's alright, thanks. Listen Shepard, maybe it would be better if…

**Shepard: **Saren, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Saren:** I will defend him like I defended Nihlus, Shepard.

**Garrus:** …

**Saren:** I mean _before_ I fell under Sovereign's influence.

**Garrus:** Somehow, that doesn't reassure me.

**Shepard:** Benezia, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Benezia:** These mercenaries' guns are a poor disguise for their fear!

**Garrus:** How about the disguise for _my_ fear?

**Shepard:** Sovereign, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Sovereign:** These mercenaries' pitiful attempts are over…

**Garrus:** Well, I won't question that.

**Shepard:** Ashley, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Ashley:** Aye-aye, skipper! It's time for payback!

**Garrus:** Uh, aren't you supposed to be dead Ash?

**Ashley:** Yeah, but I decided to come kick some ass anyway. Besides, I might just be starting to like you.

**Shepard:** Too bad you had to die to figure that out, Chief. Kaidan, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Kaidan:** Never! I'll never work for Cerberus! You betrayed me!

**Garrus:** Uh, Kaidan? I'm not with Cerberus. It's me, your old teammate Garrus!

**Kaidan:** Hey, it's the plot device they gave me. I'm doing the best I can, alright?

**Shepard:** Liara, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Liara:** Have these mercenaries faced an asari commando unit before? Few humans have. I'll make it simple; either these mercenaries back away from my old teammate or I'll filet them alive- with my mind!

**Garrus:** Uh, Liara? Are you okay?

**Liara:** Garrus! Oh, by the Goddess, did I frighten you?!

**Garrus:**… okay, I'm not going to even answer that.

**Shepard:** Wrex, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Wrex:** Shepard.

**Garrus:** Well, I'm glad to see he hasn't changed at least.

**Shepard:** You and me both. Dr. Michel, stay with Garrus; keep him alive.

**Dr. Michel:** Very well, Commander. I will distract the mercs with my hot body and my sexy accent.

**Garrus:** Shepard, you leave her here and _I_ might be the one distracted!

**Shepard:** Keep your eyepiece focused Garrus. Emily, stay with Garrus; keep alive.

**Emily Wong:** Great! I've never interviewed murderous mercs while they were trying to kill me before! This should make my publisher really happy!

**Garrus:** Uh, aren't you the anchor woman now, Miss Wong?

**Emily:** I know! Isn't it exciting?!

**Garrus:** (sighing) Okay Shepard; you've left me with half the people you've encountered in the last two years. I think I'll be able to stay alive for the next few minutes. Problem is now you've got no one to go with you down to close the shutter doors before the mercs get here in twenty seconds.

**Shepard:** Twenty seconds???

**Garrus:** Yeah, you wasted all that time leaving me useless squad mates.

**Shepard:** Damn. EDI, is there anyone else I could take with me on this mission?

**EDI:** If you wish to know Shepard, you may take the two fish from your cabin aquarium with you.

**Shepard:** (brandishing her machine pistol) OH, WE'RE GONNA KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS NOW!!!

**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Please review!!!**


	4. Chapter 4

"Joker," Shepard said sternly as she strode into the cockpit, "what's going on here?"

"Huh? Oh, hey Commander!" Joker slapped a plastic grin on his face. "You look very… _nice_ today!"

Shepard glared at him. "I'm in no mood for games this morning, Joker. I want some answers and I want them now."

"I… have no idea what you're talking about, ma'am!" The pilot continued with his stupid, phony grin, praying to everything that was holy that the Spectre wouldn't notice the beads of sweat forming on his brow.

No such luck. "You know damn well what I'm talking about, Mr. Ace-in-the-Cockpit." Shepard spread her arms in frustration. "Where the hell is everybody? About half the crew is missing in action! I haven't seen any of my shore party members or our resident Yeoman since last night! Joker, in case you've forgotten, we landed on this human colony yesterday in order to get some R&R, but I should have remembered that with the group of screw-ups, psychos and wack-jobs our team consists of, the idea of 'rest and relaxation' for half of them involves either killing everything in sight or blowing up something massive. And seeing as how nothing goes on in this ship without you knowing about it, I'm guessing you have an idea as to why we're currently running at half-capacity."

"Really Commander? I really hadn't noticed until now." By now Joker's face was literally soaked with sweat.

"That is not entirely true, Jeff." EDI spoke up. "The reports of the current status of all the missing crewmembers were uploaded to the _Normandy_'s systems approximately sixteen minutes ago. You merely did not inform Shepard upon learning them."

Shepard raised her eyebrows as Joker closed his eyes in resignation. "Damn it Mom, why'd you have to go and shorten my lifespan like that?"

"Joker." Shepard's no-nonsense tone forced him to look up at her.

"Um… well, you see…" Joker fumbled, "It's… it's really very complicated Commander."

"What Jeff is trying to say," EDI interjected, "is that Miss Lawson, Mr. Taylor, Professor Solus, Grunt, Jack, Mr. Krios, Samara, Miss vas Normandy, Legion and Yeoman Chambers are all currently incarcerated in Fairfax's main security prison."

Shepard's jaw dropped open. "What the… what are you… _all_ of them??"

"That is correct, Commander."

"What the hell happened last night? No, no, no, don't tell me; Jack and Grunt got into another drinking contest, traded a few choice words and ended up dragging everyone into a huge bar fight!"

"Your hypothesis may be partially correct, but it cannot be entirely accurate. Each incarcerated crewmember had a separate log of their arrest at different times during the course of the evening."

Shepard's jaw hit the floor. "Are you telling me that each member of my crew was arrested in _one night_ for totally different reasons?? What the hell did they do?"

"I do not have specific information on any of the details regarding the reason for their arrest; their security network is secure enough that it will take me a while to hack into their systems. I suggest you go down and find out for yourself what the exact situation is."

Shepard narrowed her eyes. "Wait a minute. None of my shore party is here, but you didn't mention Garrus as among those arrested. Where is he?"

"Mr. Vakarian is currently in the process of being detained by Fairfax's law enforcement on the charge of impersonating a war hero."

"Impersonating a war hero?"

"It appears that he attempted to use his status as a former C-Sec agent and a member of your crew in order to try to secure the release of the incarcerated crew members. Fairfax's law officials did not believe his claims and are in the process of arresting him at this moment."

"You know that, but you don't know why the rest of my crew has been detained??"

"As I stated before, the security details of the authorities are difficult to hack into. I suggest if you wish to know more that you go down and assess the situation yourself."

"I'll go down and 'assess' the situation alright." Shepard grumbled as she walked towards the elevator to get her field outfit. "I've got some serious asses to kick- starting with Garrus'!"

"Be sure to take pictures!" Joker called after her.

Shepard expected that by the time she got to the main security facility on the ground, she'd have to go and harass the local authorities to let her see Garrus, but to her surprise the turian was right in the main lobby of the first floor, in the middle of a heated argument with a law enforcement officer.

"I'm telling you- my name is Garrus Vakarian! I'm a member of Commander Shepard's crew; you know- the human Spectre who defeated Saren two years ago!"

"Yeah, yeah- keep talking, turian. Maybe a few hours in lockup with your criminal friends will change your mind a little bit."

"Hey, a few of them may be criminals, but they're criminals under _my_ command!" Shepard declared as she strode onto the scene.

"Who the hell…" The officer spun around and upon seeing the heavily armoured woman immediately changed his tune. "Oh! Uh, I beg your pardon ma'am. I'll be with you in just a moment after I deal with this delusional alien here; thinks he's actually a member of the great Commander Shepard's team! Have you ever heard such a thing?"

"First off, I think you're the one who isn't hearing; I said this turian is under _my_ command. And second, as far as being delusional, he's probably one of the more sane members of the team- which says a lot considering what he's done and what he's been through."

"Look lady, I don't know who you are but if this turian and the rest of the whack-jobs we picked up last night belong to you, you're going to have to go through the due release process just like everyone else. Though if you ask me, you should let us keep them in custody, considering what they've all done here! Standard release fee for each prisoner is twenty thousand credits."

Shepard pulled out her heavy pistol. "How about we knock that price down to zero and I spare you a lot of pain and agony."

The officer looked at her incredulously. "Are you as whacked out as the rest of your squad? You think you'll be able to bust a bunch of criminals out of this facility and get away unscathed? Right in front of all the heavily armed guards and automated defence systems?"

A gleam came into her eye. "You think all those guards and automated defences will be quick enough to save you?"

"Uh…" The officer fumbled. "Well I… um…"

Shepard leaned in close. "Why don't you make it easy on yourself and go and authorize the release of all my crewmates? I'm sure the turian here has provided you with a list of names. Go and see to it that they're released."

"I… that'll take some time."

She held up her pistol. "My gun here doesn't like waiting."

Beads of sweat forming on his forehead, the officer quickly hurried off. As soon as he was out of sight, Shepard quickly holstered her weapon and turned towards Garrus. "Phew! Keeping up that renegade persona is hard and tiring work! I'm lucky he's as spineless as he was."

"Yeah, but you know you can be such a great persuader sometimes Shepard." Garrus mused.

"Don't get too relaxed and comfortable yet, Mr. EX-C-Sec-Officer." Shepard glared at him pointedly. "You've got some explaining to do! What the hell's going on here? I wake up this morning to find half my crew is in jail for totally different reasons and now I find you lying about still being with C-Sec in order to get them out?"

"If it's any consolation, I used your name at first in the hopes that it would carry more weight." Garrus replied rather apprehensively.

"It's _not_ any consolation! Garrus, what happened last night? How is it that every member of my shore party except you managed to get arrested _in the same night_ for completely different reasons?"

"Uh, well, where would you like me to start?"

Shepard looked at him incredulously. "Oh, gee, I don't know," she said sarcastically, "maybe at the _beginning_??"

"Ah, right. Well as far as I can tell, it probably started with Mordin. In the middle of drinking last night, he suddenly left the bar and went out. I thought he had suddenly thought of some crazy new experiment to test on the ship, but it turned out he, uh… well, he decided to visit somewhere a little bit _seedier_. A, uh… brothel, as I understand."

Shepard stared. "_Mordin_ went to a _brothel_ last night??"

"Yes, but not for the reasons you're thinking! Apparently he overheard someone in the bar talking about the large spread of STDs in the brothel and went to sort out the business on his own. While he was questioning several of the… _workers_, one of the brothel's security members took offense to Mordin's questioning and tried to throw him out. As I understand it, Mordin Cyro Froze him, broke him apart and then proceeded to kill every person who tried to take him down."

Shepard clasped her head with her hand. "I'm almost afraid to ask; how much fire damage did he cause?"

"Actually, very little! The only place he really burned up was the madam's bedroom; said something about obliterating the root of the disease. It was surprising just how much improvisation a salarian can make in a brothel when it comes to killing people. Huh," he shook his head, "I've never seen a condom used in so many ways before."

Shepard stared up at him. "But… are you trying to tell me that… alright, you know what? No. I don't even _want_ to know what you mean by that! I'm sorry I even asked!"

"Suit yourself. Anyway, when the authorities finally arrived, Mordin was taken into custody. I'm surprised they just didn't kill him right then and there! Maybe they're waiting for a chance to rough him up a little bit beforehand."

"Maybe I'll let them." Shepard muttered, shaking her head. "Alright, what happened next?"

"I believe it was Tali's arrest that happened next. You remember how Joker once persuaded her to sing 'All I Want is a Hot, Macho Pilot' while she was drunk after our celebration at the Citadel? Apparently he recorded it and uploaded it to the extranet and Tali found out about it last night. After EDI informed her that she couldn't blow Joker out the cockpit window with her shotgun since he's needed to fly the ship, she got really pissed off and then got blind drunk. You have any idea how human beer affects quarians? From what I've heard, she hacked into the security system of a hovercraft and then proceeded to fly it through the front door of the mayor's house."

Shepard turned pale. "Was anybody hurt?"

"No, Tali was solidly strapped in and fortunately the mayor was out at the time but his security personnel weren't so lucky. When they tried to arrest her, she released her combat drone on them, which electrocuted at least three guards and then proceeded to blow up in their faces. It's a miracle the security chief's face is still intact!"

"Why, oh why, did I upgrade her drone to explosive capability?" Shepard griped.

"I'm sure both Tali and Chiktikka are thrilled that you did. And it only gets better! As I understand it, Miranda and Jacob were taking a stroll through town together last night. Apparently, some local men started throwing catcalls towards her. Well, with _that_ uniform, you can hardly blame…"

"Garrus."

"Sorry. Anyway, the two tried to ignore it but eventually it got to the point where Miranda was primed and ready to crush them with her biotics, but before she could Jacob pulled about three of them with his own biotics and incinerated them with incinerate-ammo shotgun. Then Miranda slammed one into the concrete ground and warped another. Apparently, in the heat of the moment Jacob sent an investigating officer flying through the window of a store last night."

"And what? They just decided to turn themselves in peacefully afterwards?"

"Not exactly. The officer happened to be travelling with a group of other law officers at the time. Jacob agreed to go peacefully since he had made a mistake but Miranda incapacitated about half a dozen other officers before she was apprehended."

"I thought Miranda was supposed to be more for following the rules now that she had left Cerberus."

"Yeah, but when you've had a few drinks, picking a fight with law officials seems like a damn fun idea!"

Shepard raised an eyebrow.

"Uh… hypothetically speaking of course! And it didn't help that one of her arresting officers tried to grope her as well. She snapped his wrist with a mere blink. Course, it also means she's now being charged with assaulting an officer."

The Spectre groaned. "Damn it Miranda, why couldn't you have let _me_ do that? I'm supposed to be the big, bad rule-less Spectre! Wait till the whole colony hears about how the biggest badass in the universe was happily snoring away while her crew were out starting fights left and right!"

Garrus grinned. "Oh that's nothing. Wait till you hear what happened with Jack and Grunt!"

Shepard slapped her hand over her eyes. "Do I even _want_ to know?"

"It's difficult to peace together but from what I've heard the two were in the middle of another drinking contest and got into a little disagreement over some trivial matter…"

"I knew it. Damn it, when am I going to learn never to leave those two alone??"

"The next thing I understand happened is that a local- and very inebriated- street gang tried to muscle in on them. In her heated state, Jack flung half of them away with one twitch of her finger and Grunt charged into the rest of them, sending them scattering and causing the whole bar to degenerate into chaos. Apparently between five and fifty people were injured in the stampede."

"Between five and _fifty_?"

"It depends on who's telling the story. A charging krogan tends to whip up panic and hysteria in an enclosed space. You know, if he decides the whole 'superior specimen' gig is not for him, he could always get a job herding sheep."

"Ha, ha, very funny. How'd the authorities manage to get them to lockup?"

"I'm guessing fighting a crazed super biotic and a perfect krogan weren't high on their list of things to try that day. They waited outside while Jack and Grunt continued their drinking contest, and then transported them to supermax when they passed out."

"What do you know? There are some cops with some sensibility on this damn rock of a colony."

"Which is more than I can say for Thane and Samara."

"… what exactly do you mean by that?"

"They started a huge riot in the shopping district."

"Of course. The assassin and the justicar causing a riot over clothes and shoes. How could I _possibly_ have missed that?"

"Apparently, Samara confronted a cashier that was cheating customers into paying more than necessary for standard clothing…"

"And being a justicar she was compelled to kill him for his corruption."

"Exactly, except Thane tried to persuade her to merely hand him over to the authorities. Unfortunately, the cheated customers weren't so forgiving; they all charged the counter at once. Samara managed to keep most of them back but it turned ugly when one man tried to knock past her with a crowbar to get to the cashier; she threw him through a kiosk sign right into an investigating security guard. Of course, this brought every damn cop in the district charging up on the 'hostile aliens'. Thane was knocking them out left and right in an effort to save their lives before they reached Samara."

"The assassin trying to _save_ lives?? I wonder who wears the pants in _that_ relationship…"

"Wow, that's quite the image you just put in my mind, Shepard. Anyway, Samara eventually agreed to come along peacefully because her code commands her to cooperate with the local authorities."

Shepard's brows furrowed. "But I thought that only lasted for one day."

"Which is why it's a good thing you came along when you did. I'd hate to be in these guards' places should she have to bring this entire building down to its foundations to escape."

"Yeah- it might look bad on the tourist vids. What about Legion?"

"I believe it had something to do with a bet, an arm-wrestling contest and how much stronger a geth is than a normal human being."

"… An _arm-wrestling contest_? _Legion_?"

"Yeah. Apparently it broke the arms of about seven marines before the entire squad decided to crush it into scrap metal. It incapacitated them in about two seconds with perfect kneecap shots."

"It didn't kill them?"

"No, I think your forgiving personality is starting to rub off on it."

"You're a real riot today, aren't you? Okay, so that explains my missing shore party, but I haven't heard anything about Kelly. What did she do- piss off the police captain by claiming he had unread messages at his private terminal?"

"No- she was picked up for engaging in sexual acts in a public place about three hours ago."

"You know, it's scary to admit it out loud, but that actually sounds like one of the saner acts this team has committed since its formation. I mean, sure it's not the best thing to do, but…"

"She was arrested along with two asari, a salarian, a batarian and a krogan."

Shepard stared.

"But… what are you… do you mean to tell me that… you know what- forget it. I'm not going to stand here to listen to anymore of this! There are a lot of things this crew has done that are slightly less than ethical, but this is the end of the line!"

Garrus grinned. "In that case, I'm sure you won't be happy to know that while she was being arrested she shouted drunkenly to a nearby news camera your full name and your private message address in case anyone wanted to see an extranet exclusive of your little 'stripping incident' back at Afterlife on Omega."

Shepard stared in horror. "I'm half-tempted to leave her here with that krogan. In fact I'm half-tempted to leave them _all_ here and flee back to Earth!"

"You might think differently when you picture Samara and Jack obliterating this prison and everyone in it in the next few hours."

Shepard sighed. "Okay, fine. As soon as I get the documents to get everyone… _un_-arrested, we and that ship are going to ride ASAP."

Garrus' mandibles flared in surprise. "ASAP?"

"As soon as possible."

"Oh," Garrus looked somewhat forlorn. "I thought you meant you were going to ride A Sexy Ass Tur-"

"Don't even start."

**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Please review!!!**


	5. Chapter 5

"Okay, Money Hunters!" Shepard said crisply in the Hammerhead. "Let's go pick us up some crates and collect some credits!"

"Shepard," Thane asked somewhat exhaustedly, "if I may be so bold to ask, why do you feel the need to pick up some more spare credits? Every place we go we find random crates with a hundred credits here and there or else a few computers or data pads to hack with a few thousand. I'm not even sure of how many credits we have! Why do we need to get more?"

"Because Thane, it's good experience!" Shepard replied. "More experience means more upgrades to powers and weapons; you know that! Though I'm not entirely sure _how_ that works out, only that it does. Ah well, who cares about that? The important thing is- we're going money hunting!"

"Why are we going after these crates anyway? I thought you told Aria you weren't interested in any reward she was offering for that little side-job of hers?"

"Yeah, but I was trying to play the little-goody two-shoes paragon commander back then. You'd be surprised at just how well switching back and forth between personas can do for you! I can be the lovable, heroic paragon who'd let a mass killer go to save one innocent person, or the badass renegade bitch who'd threaten to cut a man's balls off and sell them to a krogan- either way helps!" She replied chipper and cheerfully.

"Um… Shepard, I think you've been listening to Mordin too much."

"Whatever. We're going to be picking up some serious creds!"

"And hopefully," Grunt smirked as he branded his Claymore shotgun, "we'll also find something really big to kill!"

A huge smile spread over Shepard's face. "Damn right! And look what I just happen to have brought on this little excursion of ours." She reached behind her and pulled out her heavy weapon- the M90 Cain, supposedly capable of obliterating everything in sight in the blink of an eye and the weapon Shepard had been desperately scanning planets for two weeks in order to find enough Platinum to research it.

Grunt laughed in delight. "Now that's what I call a weapon, Battlemaster! Too bad you didn't have one of those to put a hole through the Collector drones back at the Collector base; insect bastards never would have had the chance to squeal their last dying breaths."

"Ah, yes." Thane remarked, admiring the weapon's formidable impression. "I had heard that many of our multiple trips around the galaxy were done with the sole objective of obtaining the resources necessary to acquire that."

"Who'd you hear it from?"

"Jack. Last night during dinner, she went on and on about how you were finally going to stop- and I quote- 'playing leapfrog across the universe searching for petty minerals to get that Big Fucking Gun'."

Shepard and Grunt both roared with laughter at the drell's obvious discomfort of having to use words that he was clearly not used to using with his calm demeanour.

"That's Jack for yah!" Grunt chuckled. "As far as humans go, she's one of the ones that are alright in my book. Hell, apart from you Shepard, she's probably the only human worthy to fight alongside me!"

"You two certainly make an impressive duo on the battlefield," Thane interjected, "but from what I've both heard and seen it would appear that the two of you should perhaps refrain from being in each other's company during shore leave. That little incident on Fairfax was a little… unsettling."

Grunt grinned. "Hey, if that gang didn't want an ass kicking they shouldn't have interrupted our little debate. By the way Krios, it's not like you were totally innocent back there. What about that little brush-up you had with your beloved justicar?"

If drell could blush, Shepard would've bet her life, the lives of the entire galaxy and her M90 Cain that a slight darkness came into Thane's face. "What do you mean by that?"

"Oh just that you and she really tore up the shopping district. You must have really had a huge lovers fight. Either that, or you guys' biotics must be connected to your pleasure organs." The krogan leered.

Thane blinked in shock. "That is an absolutely preposterous suggestion. If you must know, Samara and I were trying to keep an entire crowd from killing one foolish merchant. The local law enforcement was about to throw their lives away against her and I had to do my best to make sure that didn't happen. In the heat of the incident, I'm afraid there was much property damage."

"Sure Krios, whatever you say."

"Alright you two," Shepard interrupted, "let's save the freaky relationship details for another time. We've got some crates to find and some credits to collect!"

The Hammerhead touched down on the ground, and the three party members quickly disembarked. Grunt drew his assault rifle while Thane pulled out his sniper rifle. Shepard was primed to un-holster her machine pistol when Thane held up his hand. "Do you hear that?"

The three stood silently for a moment, listening. Thane was right; there was a distinct sound emanating from just around the corner not too far from their current position- a somewhat metallic sound.

Shepard was the first to speak. "You guys know what that is?"

Grunt gave a very satisfied chuckle and grinned. "YMIR Heavy Mechs. Oh, I'm going to _really_ enjoy this!"

Shepard smirked. "So am I." She brandished her Cain. "I think I'm going to show those mechanical sons of bitches what happens when you decide to piss off the biggest badass in the universe armed with the biggest gun in the entire universe."

Grunt gave a delighted laugh. "Just make sure you don't miss with that thing, Shepard. Otherwise I'm going to _really_ have something you rib you about back on the ship!"

"Don't count on it Grunt; this thing has 199 rounds in it- a drunk volus wouldn't be able to miss! Anyway, what the hell are we standing around talking for? Let's move!"

The three teammates made their way around the corner, weapons ready. As they came into view of the clearing, they caught sight of three Heavy Mechs moving towards three platforms; each platform contained several of the crates they were looking for- and the mechs were moving to destroy them!

"Oh no, you don't!" Shepard brought up the Cain and began charging it up; the barrel twisted round and round, the humming noise becoming higher and higher- she could feel the power coursing through it.

Grunt and Thane both raised their own weapons and prepared to attack the other two mechs. A huge grin spread over Shepard's face, her eyes wide and crazy, as she felt the gun about to fire.

"_YEAH, BABY!!!!!_"

There was a resounding _thunk_ as the round was ejected from the weapon and went soaring towards the mech in the middle…

The huge fireball lit up the sky, causing the three squad members to shield their eyes against the intense light. The ground shook violently as the massive roar filled the air all around them.

After a few seconds, the light subsided and the team lowered their hands to survey the damage. Shepard froze and gaped as she saw the smouldering wrecks of not just one, but _all three_ mechs; the Cain had blown them all apart even though they were a good distance away from each other!

Her two teammates were also taken back.

"Alakira be praised…" murmured Thane in astonishment.

"Goddamn it Shepard!" Grunt growled. "You didn't leave me even one!"

Shepard slowly gazed down at the weapon in her hands- still hot from being fired. She gaped down at it, unbelieving at the power she had just witnessed. A million thoughts raced through her mind, but she found herself unable to express any of them. Instead she found herself saying the one thing that any normal, non-saviour-of-the-galaxy would say:

"_Holy…shit…_"

Behind her, Grunt began to chuckle amusedly. "Well Shepard, it _did_ cost 25 000 Platinum to research."

The two of them enjoyed a good laugh at the situation. Thane, apparently more used to keeping an eye and an ear out for dangerous situations, was quickly distracted by the growing sound of an approaching machine.

"Look out! Another Heavy Mech incoming!"

Shepard looked up to where the drell was pointing and immediately caught sight of the large mech hovering towards their position. A smile spread over her face. "Hah! It looks like my baby's going to be singing her sweet songs once again!" She raised the Cain. "Sing, baby! Sing!"

"Uh, Shepard?" Thane said rather cautiously, as though speaking to someone whose mental state is not quite stable. "You can't fire that weapon again."

"Why the hell not?"

"You only have 99 rounds in it; you need 100 in order to fire."

"That sounds a bit ridiculous. Well, find me some more heavy weapons ammo!"

"We can't- you destroyed all the weapons crates with the first Cain blast."

"What the- who the hell makes these rules? Why aren't all the crates destroyed then?"

Thane merely shrugged his shoulders.

Shepard turned back towards the landing mech. "Well," she said slowly, "if I can't use my baby here, I guess there's only one thing left to be done."

A fiery, wild look came into her eyes. Without looking at him, she shoved the Cain into Thane's arms, pulled out her heavy pistol and charged forward in the direction of the mech.

"_I… AM… HUMAN!!!!_"

Thane stared open-mouthed, gaping at the commander as though she had completely lost her mind. He was beginning to think all those sniper rounds to the head had begun to affect her. Or maybe it was a reaction to consuming turian flesh…

Grunt laughed out loud. "Well Krios," he said heartily, "it looks like Shepard's finally cracked! Of course, considering the _way_ she's cracked I'd have to say she's turning into a damn fine warrior. Too bad she wasn't with you back on Fairfax; you might've avoided getting thrown into lockup!"

Thane's mouth opened and closed several times. For once, the assassin wasn't quite sure what to do.

"Uh… maybe you're right. Um, perhaps it would be better if I said I wasn't here. Things could get… unpleasant." He shoved the Cain into Grunt's arms. "If anyone asks, I was, uh... meditating. Yes, that's it! I was meditating without any incident whatsoever!" He took off running in the opposite direction.

Grunt chuckled. Meditating, huh? He remembered the last time the drell said he was 'meditating'. It was also at the same time Samara said she was 'meditating'. Now he knew what the crewmembers had been talking about when they complained the door to the Observation deck wouldn't open that day. Good thing Joker had let it slip that he kept the monitoring devices in that particular room operational; if Krios was going to try to sneak out of this one, it'd be better to have a backup weapon.

A huge explosion caught the krogan's attention. Smirking at the obvious destruction taking place in front of, he activated his comm. unit.

"Joker? It's Grunt. You still have the recordings from the Observation room the other day? I think they'll have something you've _got_ to see…"

**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Please review!!!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: This chapter is based on one of the 'hidden dialogues' on YouTube where Shepard and the rest of the squad are recruiting Jack. Enjoy!**

(Shepard approaches the control console)

**Garrus:** Shepard, if you hack that control, every door on the cellblock opens. It's the only way to get Jack out of cryo.

**Shepard:** I'm doing it- be ready.

**Grunt:** That's going to open every door on the cell block! How else are we going to get Jack out?

**Shepard:** Ummm… thanks Grunt but I already knew that and made my decision. I'm going to…

**Jacob:** Shepard, if you hack that control, every door on the cellblock opens! It's the only way to get Jack out of cryo.

**Shepard:** Where the hell did you come from? And why are you copying Garrus' dialogue?

**Jacob:** You won't pick me very often as a squad mate, so I have to act like a badass while I still can.

**Shepard**: …okay…

**Legion:** Overriding the security interface will open all cells in this block. No alternative options evident.

**Shepard:** (sarcastically) Thanks Legion- I never would have figured that out on my own!

**Legion:** We apologize.

**Miranda:** If we hack that control, every door on the cellblock opens. It's the only way to get Jack out of cryo.

**Shepard:** Okay Miranda, I know how much you love being the one to give suggestions but I think you're a little late to the game on this one!

**Miranda:** I'm _never_ late! Oh wait- sorry, that should be 'I'm never wrong'. Well, that too.

**Mordin:** Interconnected controls. Opening one opens all of them. Chaos. However, required if we want to get Jack out of stasis.

**Shepard:** Figure that out all by yourself Mordin?

**Samara:** Shepard, if you hack that control, every door on the cellblock opens. It's the only way to get Jack out of cryo.

**Shepard:** Remarkable the new things you can learn from those beings so much older than you. How could I _possibly_ have solved this problem myself?

**Tali:** Shepard, if you hack that control, every door on the cellblock opens. I don't like the idea, but it's the only way to get Jack out of cryo.

**Shepard:** Is there a freaking echo in here that's taking on different voices? Or am I really taking too many concussive rounds to the head?

**Thane:** Shepard, if you hack that control, every door on the cellblock opens. It's the only way to get Jack out of cryo.

**Shepard:** Really Thane? You don't have any super stealthy assassin move you could do instead? You know- sneak up from underneath; drop down from the ceiling; close your damn mouth so I'm not forced to shoot you in annoyance?

**Zaeed:** I'm guessing that hacking that control will open all the cell doors at once. It's the only way.

**Shepard:** What do you know? The optional guy is the one who has some variety in his speech! Now then, is there anyone else who would like to offer their opinion before I hit this switch and open cryo? (Looks around) No one? Alright, let's get down to business.

(Shepard activates controls, which open up the cryo chamber, revealing Jack)

**Grunt:** Jack is small.

**Legion:** Jack is smaller than her reputation suggests.

**Samara:** That's Jack? This should be interesting.

**Tali:** That's Jack? Not exactly what I was expecting.

**Zaeed:** Wait. That's Jack?

**Garrus, Jacob, Miranda, Mordin, and Thane all at once:** THAT'S JACK?

**Shepard:**_ Goddamn it_! Why'd you all speak into your comm. links? You guys almost blew my ears out!

(Jack wrenches herself free and goes on a rampage, destroying three Heavy Mechs with ease)

**Garrus:** We have to get down there!

**Grunt:** Oh, I want to see this! Let's go!

**Jacob:** We need to get down there!

**Legion: **Situation chaotic. Decisive action required.

**Miranda:** We have to get down there!

**Mordin:** We have to get down there!

**Samara:** We have to get down there!

**Tali:** We need to get down there!

**Thane: **We have to get down there!

**Zaeed:** They're going to kill her! Let's move!

**Shepard:** Is there a reason you guys speak in alphabetical order? By the time we actually _do_ get down there, she'll either be dead or long gone! Move your asses!

(Shepard comes across Jack and shoots a nearby guard)

**Jack:** What the hell do you want?

**Shepard:** My name is Shepard and you'd better not piss me off because I have had a _very_ long day! I'm taking you off this ship.

**Jack:** I'm not going anywhere with you. You're Cerberus.

**Shepard:** (muttering under breath) Why can't any recruitment job be a simple 'sure Shepard, I'll join and not force you to undergo a dangerous chase and argue with you afterwards'. (Aloud) I'm asking to be your friend you don't want to be my enemy.

**Zaeed:** Listen to Shepard. It'll save your life.

**Shepard: **Oh, so we're going in reverse order now?

**Thane:** There's no future in it.

**Shepard: **Tell it like it is!

**Tali:** Shepard's enemies have a tendency to die.

**Shepard:** Alright I think she gets the idea.

**Samara:** It is a dangerous and short-lived existence.

**Shepard:** Yeah, but…

**Mordin:** Shepard's combat ability impressive. Determination equally impressive. Enemies don't last long.

**Shepard:** Alright that's enough.

**Miranda:** They have a way of dying.

**Shepard:** You know who else has a way of dying? People who give me a damn headache!

**Legion:** There is a high statistical probability of death by gunshot. A punch to the face is also likely.

**Shepard: **You know we're being serious when a synthetic offers the most interesting piece of dialogue.

**Jacob:** (from back of room) They have a way of ending up dead.

**Shepard: **Why the hell are you all the way back there?

**Jacob:** Use your imagination. It may be a programming error or I may not want to get spaced by the psycho in front of you. Take your pick.

**Grunt:** Shepard is good at this. Pay attention.

**Shepard:** I'm good at a lot of things. You may want to remember that.

**Garrus:** They have a way of dying.

**Shepard: **I suppose you can pretty much guess the way I operate. Why don't we just skip past all the background garbage between you and Cerberus and get going.

**Jack:** You show up in a Cerberus frigate to take me away somewhere. You think I'm stupid?

**Shepard:** Well, now that you mention it…

**Zaeed:** We should just knock her out and take her.

**Thane:** We could just knock her out and take her.

**Tali:** Shepard, we're running out of time. Should we knock her out and discuss this back on the _Normandy_?

**Samara:** Time is short. Perhaps we should knock her out and take her?

**Mordin:** Could knock her out. Resolve this aboard the _Normandy_.

**Miranda:** We could just knock her out and take her.

**Legion:** Recommend subject Jack be disabled and transported aboard as cargo.

**Jacob:** Could just knock her out, Commander.

**Shepard:** (calling back) Yeah, that's mighty brave of you saying that all the way back there, Mr. Ex Alliance Soldier.

**Grunt:** Just shoot her and patch her up on the ship.

**Shepard: **I'm considering it.

**Garrus:** We could knock her out and take her.

**Shepard:** Well, now that you've seen just how bloodthirsty and violent-prone our team is, how'd you like to add another rank of instability among them?

**Jack:** (grinning). LET'S RIDE THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!

**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Please review!!!**


	7. Chapter 7

"I'm telling you for the last time, cheerleader," Jack growled from behind her cover as the mercs' rounds cracked an inch away from her head, "you are _not_ the most powerful biotic on this fucking team- _I_ am!"

"Oh, really?" Miranda grunted as she peered around the corner of the crate she had taken refuge behind to try to see where their enemies were shooting from. "How exactly do you figure that, Jack?"

"You can thank your buddies at Cerberus for giving them to me! How ironic is that?" Jack popped up from her cover and blew a merc who got to close away with her shotgun. "The very group that _you_ were a part of ensured that I was far more powerful than you could ever be!"

"Don't be absurd." Miranda finally located the troublesome engineer that kept sending incinerate tech shots and hostile combat drones towards them. An Overload brought down the merc's shields and few quick shots from her machine pistol to the head quickly put him down for good. "I received the best genes money could buy and that included the best biotic implants that they could produce. There is no more powerful biotic on this team than I!"

"I must disagree with that, Miranda." Samara took cover behind an overturned crate and fired her assault rifle in the direction of the mercs. "I have spent the past thousand years perfecting and tuning my biotics to the extent where they are virtually unmatched in the galaxy. _I_ was the one that Shepard requested to escort her and her team through the seeker swarms back at the Collector base and I did so without the slightest difficulty. If there is a supreme biotic on this team, I would be it."

"Maybe that's true." Jacob called from a few feet over as he took blind shots with his pistol. "But you're an asari, Samara; asari are born with their biotic abilities. We humans have to work at it and fine tune our skills, and we have a hell of a lot less time to do it! Technically, that means we have to work harder and faster than you. I'd say that's damn impressive. And speaking of impressive, if I can admit it I'd say my own skills are not half bad."

"Perhaps that is true." Thane took careful aim with his sniper rifle and fired; another merc dropped down out of sight. "But your abilities do not match those of an asari justicar. Or, for that matter, a drell marksman."

"Just what is that supposed to mean, Krios?"

"I would have thought that to be obvious; my biotic abilities are stronger than yours. If we were forced to confront each other in a purely biotic duel, I have no doubt that the one left standing at the end would be I."

"Is that right? Well why don't we see how well you do that when I pull you over here and ram my shotgun all the way up your…"

"Ah, for fuck's sake!" Jack growled. "Why don't we just settle this here and now? We each take turns sending some of these sons of bitches to hell using only biotics, and at the end we'll see just which one of us is the strongest. I'll go first, cuz I know for sure it's me!"

"We'll see about that." Miranda replied coolly.

Jack merely grinned, then scanned the battlefield. Her mouth twisted into a grin as she saw a trio of mercs huddled together behind a single piece of concrete, both laying down fire on separate members of the team. She drew her arm back and summoned her biotics, an angry yet determined expression crossing her face.

"I'll kill you _all_!" She shouted as she threw her arm forward; a huge biotic shockwave went racing towards the slab of concrete. The mercs, completely unprepared for such an attack, were suddenly and violently flung up into the air in different directions. Two of them were instantly killed as they were flung headfirst into the surrounding concrete walls nearby. The third was blown out of midair by a quick pump of Jack's shotgun.

"Hah!" The ex-convict said triumphantly, dropping back into cover. "Now who's the badass biotic, _bitch_? Let's see you top that!"

"With pleasure." Miranda's eyes focused on a particularly hard to shoot sniper that kept taking pot shots and them from a long way away and was making it difficult to advance from their position. Unfortunately, the merc made the mistake of exposing himself enough that he could be grasped with biotics; a second later he was suddenly shooting upwards straight into the air. A cold look in her eye, Miranda flung her arm downwards, and the merc went careening down back towards the ground at a dangerous rate of speed. There was a sickening _crack_ as the body slammed into the concrete, and one could just picture the body-shaped indentation that would be left on the ground. One this was for sure; the sniper wouldn't be annoying them like a pesky mosquito anymore.

"Yes!" Miranda shouted triumphantly. She turned a triumphant face backwards. "How about that? Only the strongest biotic could manage that!"

"That is very good, Miss Lawson." Samara responded. "However, when compared to my own abilities, I must say it pales in comparison. Allow me to demonstrate." The justicar immediately focused on her quarry- a group of low level mercs taking shots at them in sparse rounds- and summoned her biotics. In a split second all of them had a bright blue aura around them and were floating around helplessly in mid-air.

"Come to me…" Samara's elegant drawl penetrated the sounds of battle. She pulled her hand towards her body; the mercs were immediately flung forwards. They flew past the _Normandy_'s shore party members and crashed sickeningly against the back wall, sending several large rocks crashing down onto their bodies as they slid to the ground.

Thane allowed himself a small smile as he looked out from beyond his rifle scope. "That was very impressive, _siha_. A most effective series of strikes." Samara herself also allowed a small smile, indicating she was pleased at the drell's compliment.

"Maybe, but that's nothing compared to this!" Jacob stood up and unleashed his own biotics. A mech that was slowly advancing on his position immediately got in his sights. The blue aura appeared around his body and with one pull of his arm the mech was violently yanked off its feet towards him.

"Gravity's one mean mother, huh?!" The ex-Alliance soldier sounded a bit _too_ cheerful as the mech came spinning towards him, trying vainly to find a solid surface to touch onto.

"_Excuse me_." The mech seemed to think that in its state of weightlessness, the biotic forces acting on it seemed to be obstructing its path and were requesting that it remove itself so the mech could get back to neutralizing its target. A quick headshot from Jacob's pistol rapidly silenced the synthetic's requests.

"Now what do you think about _that_, Krios?" Jacob's tone made no secrete of its pride and delight.

"Admittedly effective. However, I must point your attention to the finesse of a biotic attack which you apparently lack. Like this." Quick as a flash, Thane's hand snapped in the direction of an approaching merc, who seemed to have gotten it into his head that he could sneak up undetected onto a trained assassin.

"Go into the sea." Thane commanded. The merc went flying backwards, crashing back-first into a large crate; both man and crate went soaring through air, slamming against the far wall. The merc fell to the ground and started to pick himself up when the crate crashed back down onto him. The lack of movement from the area indicated the drell would not need to launch a second attack.

"Very well done, if I do say so myself." Samara complimented warmly. "However, I must retain the argument that I am the strongest biotic on this team, bar none."

There was an immediate firestorm of protest.

"_Siha_, with all due respect…"

"What he means to say is that with all due respect, _I_, the XO, am the superior biotic!"

"Fuck that, cheerleader! There's no one with more biotic power on this team that me!"

"Yeah, but you're artificially enhanced! Now if you're looking for a real badass biotic, you look at the ex-Alliance soldier here!"

"HEY!" Everyone quickly turned to see Shepard charging onto the battlefield, taking cover behind a rock. She glared at all of them in turn. "What the hell's going on here? I thought I told you to clear out this resistance before we hit the base from the other side! What's taking so long?"

"Oh, it's nothing Commander." Miranda replied wearily. "It's just that the rest of the crew won't acknowledge who the true biotic master on this team is."

There was another firestorm of protest from everyone else.

"ENOUGH!" Shepard bellowed. She stared furiously around the area. "I can't believe you people! Here we are, in the middle of an important mission and you're here trying to see who's the strongest biotic?! Damn it Miranda, I thought you were a more responsible leader than this!"

"I apologize, Commander."

"You'll be apologizing for a hell of a lot more if this mission goes to hell. This is a merc group that specializes in moving heavy weapons to colonies. If we want to stop them, we have to…"

"_Enemies everywhere!_"

"On top of your immature behaviour," Shepard said sternly, peering across the field, "you haven't cleared this section yet. You see what happens when you waste time and don't do what you're supposed to? Now this is going to slow down…"

"_I will destroy you!_"

"…slow down our progress. We can't let anything slow us down. The only way to get to see that this group's activities are stopped is if we take out this base. We can't do that unless…"

"_Go, go, go!_"

"…unless we work cooperatively as a unit. That means we need to…"

"_Go, go, go!_"

"…stop with the childish antics…"

"_Go, go, go!_"

"…take a deep breath…"

"_Enemies everywhere!_"

"…and just respond to this situation calmly and rationally…"

"_I will destroy you!_"

Shepard's eyes filled with fury, her teeth bared and grinding. A blue crackle appeared around her body as she stood. "Oh..." she growled and reared back her arm, "will you _shut the FUCK UP???!!_"

A massive blue shockwave, far larger than anything Jack had ever produced, went belting across the floor sending crates and pieces of concrete flying sideways as it knocked them out of its path. There was a muffled cry as the lone merc was caught in the path of the onrushing biotic charge; a second later, the entire base collapsed onto itself, sending metal and dust flying everywhere. Two seconds later, about half the surrounding concrete walls came crashing down, burying the base, and the unlucky bastard who got on Shepard's nerves under about ten tons of debris.

Shepard lowered her arm as the rest of the crew gaped at the utter destruction that had just occurred right in front of them. Miranda and Jacob looked at each other nervously, while Thane and Samara subconsciously moved closer together. Even Jack looked a little nervous; wringing her hands together as though she wasn't sure they'd be totally effective weapons anymore.

Shepard turned towards them. "As I was saying, all it takes to resolve this situation is a little calm and rational thought." She began walking away, shaking her head and muttering to herself. "Honestly, why this group can't solve anything other than with acts of pure violence is beyond me…"

The rest of the team looked at each other nervously before hurrying to catch up. The base was neutralized but there were still pockets of resistance to clear out. And they would clear it out- only this time there was no banter or argument over who was the most powerful biotic on the team. They valued their lives too much to give Shepard a reason to test her biotic skills against theirs.

**A/N:** **Love it? Hate it? Please review!!!**


	8. Chapter 8

"Honestly Commander, who else but you would consider shooting up a range of targets a relaxing before-bed past time?"

"Probably no one else in the entire galaxy, Joker." Shepard commented as she slid the round of blanks into her heavy pistol. "But then again not everyone's a saviour of the galaxy twice over either. We all have our particular interests."

"You're telling me! Like my own personal interest in cross-referencing 'turian' and 'quarian' over an extranet search and coming up with videos of…"

"_I believe the Commander would not wish to hear the contents of the videos you search for in your spare time, Jeff._"

"EDI, what have I told you about being a voyeur?" Shepard asked amusedly.

"Yeah! I mean just because _you_ get jealous because the reaches of my prowess don't extend to AIs…"

"_I believe we should continue this discussion in private, Jeff. Logging you out, Shepard._"

Shepard merely shook her head in amusement. She was truly beginning to wonder whether or not EDI and Joker were getting just a little too into the pilot-AI interaction thing. Maybe she ought to have a word with them about letting the whole ship hear their discussions some time.

For now she settled for a nice evening at the target range on the engineering deck. Actually, since it was the middle of the night- local system time anyway- and practically no one else was up and about, she should really call it a nice night. Her technical scores were already at their personal best, but her heavy pistol skills were feeling a little lacking. That encounter with those mechs at their last stop had proven she needed to focus her attention on more than just her machine pistol.

She programmed the simulation for standard range and wind speed; even though the gun was filled with blank sinks, it would still help her prepare for when they were out in the field. How many targets should she program it for? Ten? Eh, make that eleven. She would try hitting different areas of the body- would be more useful in the field if she couldn't get a direct kill shot.

She took aim at the first target, stared down the sight of her gun at its head and fired…

**ME2**

In her private quarters, Miranda was typing away a message to her sister Oriana when all of a sudden her head exploded in pain. Struggling to overcome the shock, she stood up but was quickly overcome with another wave of agony that felt like she had just taken a Geth Colossus shot straight to her skull.

"What's going on? I've only been staring at the screen about half an hour and I haven't drunk anything really cold quickly. Must be having a mig-"

She doubled over as another round of pain swept through her head…

**ME2**

Shepard smiled at the green light; bang on target. The next target popped up. She took careful aim at its lower leg and squeezed off another round…

**ME2**

Jacob awoke with a violent start and checked his pod's clock. It was two am local system time and he'd just been suddenly awoken from a dead sleep by a massive pain in his lower leg. He tried to stand, but the pain was absolutely unbelievable.

"What the hell's this? Some kind of cramp? If so this is the damn worst cramp a human could possibly get! What the hell could have caused…"

His leg suddenly gave out and he collapsed to the floor…

**ME2**

Shepard nodded her approval; another green light. She continued to call up targets, subsequently hitting them in the upper leg, lower arm, upper arm, chest, stomach, shoulder, throat and back.

As the eleventh target slid up, Shepard pursed her lips; she'd hit pretty much every part of a target's body imaginable. What could she do with this one? She stood pondering the question for about a minute before a smile spread across her face. She raised the pistol again and fired…

... A direct low blow…

Shepard gave herself an approving nod. That one was for the merc who thought using his assault rifle as a battering ram right in her face was a fun idea. Next time someone tried that, they'd be in for a _painful_ awakening.

Satisfied, she strode up the elevator. She briefly considering going straight up to her quarters but then decided to head up to the crew deck first. Garrus might still be 'in the middle of some calibrations'; he might be in need of calibrating something _else_ in a few minutes. She smiled to herself in anticipation as the doors opened, but when she rounded the corner she stopped dead in her tracks; the entire Med Bay seemed to be overrun with the entire outfit of her shore party crew.

"What's going on here?" She asked as she entered the crowded room, pointing at her squad mates; most of them were lying on sick beds, moaning in agony.

A clearly flustered Dr. Chakwas proceeded to tell the commander about the array of ailments that the shore party had all suddenly come down with in the past fifteen minutes:

Miranda was currently experiencing the worst migraine in recorded human history outside of a blood vessel bursting in her brain and had been given a biotic-specialized painkiller until a solution could be discovered to easing her agony.

Jacob had somehow managed to contract an infection which had abruptly turned into the worst case of gangrene she'd ever seen in his lower leg, and though she had managed to save his leg she was at a loss to explain what had caused it and how it had spread so quickly.

Mordin had been roused from his dream about curing cancer by a sharp pain in his upper leg, which turned out to be blood clot in his quad's region- Dr. Chakwas was of the opinion it was probably the result of a combination of stress and mental stimulation brought on by his vivid dream.

Thane had been shocked awake from his own light nap- assassins never slept heavily- when his shoulder had suddenly exploded; Dr. Chakwas believed he had dislocated it when he rolled over, and in her opinion was helped along the way by constant sniper rifle use without any armour.

Samara somehow appeared to have come down with an acute case of brittle bone disease in her lower arm which had broken her forearm when she tried to get up from meditating- Shepard privately thought that this little episode, however the hell it managed to come around, would remind Samara that not everything improves with age.

Jack appeared to be suffering from a severely cramped bicep until she was examined and found have an extremely dangerous form of flesh eating disease that had already consumed half the skin on her upper arm- the doctor revealed that the ex-convict was convinced that one of the Cerberus personnel had deliberately exposed her to it, and while she had no possible idea how it came about, the biotic had to have suppressants as well as a cure administered to her to prevent her from tearing a hole in the bulkhead.

Garrus had suddenly in the past ten minutes come down with a nasty case of strep throat that he described as getting shot in the throat every time he swallowed- in fact it was so bad the only way to get the medication down his throat was to knock him out and force feed him.

Tali had been shocked from her sleep by a massive cramp in her stomach that had turned out to be a severe case of stomach bleeding- fortunately no serious infections had broken through into her system and she'd be up again in a couple of days. Dr. Chakwas privately told the commander that she wondered whether the quarian had mistaken Grunt's bottle of krogan alcohol for her antibiotics.

Grunt for his part had woken up to find he had somehow severely thrown out his back, and had come to the conclusion that it must be a sign his tank was rejecting him now that he had a clan. Dr. Chakwas had accused him of breaking glass again with his head again and aggravating his back muscles, to which Grunt had loudly protested his innocence. Shepard made a mental note to check the windows in the hold; the last time Grunt had smashed glass on the engineering level, the whole ship went into emergency lockdown for two hours. She certainly didn't need another one of _those_, thank you very much.

Legion it seemed had come to discover that the large hole in its chest had somehow managed to grow larger all by itself. After momentary confusion, it had tried to repair the damage, only to have a second hole appear on the other side of its chest. It had come to the consensus that these were not normal occurrences and decided to seek advice from the chief medical officer. Dr. Chakwas was at a loss to explain what was going on- she was a medical doctor after all, not a tech expert- and had reached the conclusion that if Legion couldn't comprehend what was going on, nobody could.

"How the hell could all of them get all these ailments in the last _fifteen minutes?_" Shepard demanded in disbelief. "They were all fine just a few hours ago!"

"Maybe it's some string of bad luck." Kelly moaned. "We save the universe and in return for all the success we've had we have one string of bad luck for all of us."

Shepard stared at her; the Yeoman was covered in a horrible red rash that affected at least her face and her arms, and probably the majority of her body if her discomfort was anything to go by. "What happened to you?"

"I'm not quite sure. I haven't been anywhere or done anything that may have caused anything like this. Unless, of course, that night with Thane gave me an allergic…"

"Hold on- you and Thane?" Shepard said incredulously.

"Oh yeah, it was the night he had that fight with Samara- I can tell you he's every bit as sexy as his jacket makes him out to be. And the fact that he's a widower with a son and not much time left makes him even more desirable. I probably shouldn't have consumed his tissue- it's probably what gave me this rash- but I just couldn't help myself when I saw the size of his…" Kelly broke off, wide-eyed, looking towards the door; her stomach made a noticeable gurgle. "Excuse me." She clamped her hand over her mouth and raced out of the Med Bay in the direction of the women's bathroom.

Shepard silently left the room, shaking her head. It had been a damn good thing for Kelly that both Thane and Samara were either unconscious or incoherent because of the pain meds they'd been given. If Thane knew what was good for him, he'd never ever give Samara the slightest clue as to what he'd done; the drell's lifespan would be shortened even more than it already was.

But what the hell could have caused _every single member_ of her shore party to suddenly come down with either an injury or sickness? They all had been fine the last time she'd seen them! It was as though the second she left them alone they got into some kind of trouble. Honestly…

She shook her head again as she made her way back down to the engineering deck. Well, the mere idea of spending the night with Garrus didn't quite seem so appealing with the turian suffering from strep throat; she didn't even know turians could _get_ strep throat! Not to mention the fact he was unconscious and would be drowsy as hell when he woke up. Better to get some more target practice done before heading upstairs.

In the target room, she retrieved her heavy pistol and called up another target. This time, she decided she better try for a disabling rib shot; so many mercs wore shields it would be nice if they went down the same time their shields did.

She took careful aim down the sight of her pistol, locked eyes on the target and fired…

**ME2**

"_YEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!_" In the cockpit, Joker grabbed his lower torso…

**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Please review!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: This chapter is based on littleck's suggestion that Chapter 4 was based on the song 'Banned from Argo'- it wasn't but it gave me a great idea for this chapter (which littleck, you get all the credit for giving it to me. If you haven't heard the song yet, you might want to listen to it before you read this story to get an understanding of the tune and the original lyrics. Enjoy!**

"Hey Shepard," Kelly shouted over the din of the music at Afterlife, "You know what would be really fun right now?"

"Considering your somewhat disturbing idea of 'fun', Kelly," Shepard called back, "I'm not entirely sure I want to know!"

"Yeah." Joker grinned. "I'm all for watching hot interspecies vids, but what you pulled back on Fairfax was just a little bit much for me. I mean a _krogan_?"

Kelly grinned but shook her head. "No, no, I mean a _song_! I mean here we all are, sitting on yet another shore leave and yet all we're doing is just sitting around drinking! I mean come on! There's got to be someone here who knows a good song we could all get into!"

"I'm not breaking into some dumb fucking carol." Jack muttered.

"I'm afraid I'm not much for singing." Thane added.

"Diversity of song lyrics outside Gilbert and Sullivan not among specialties." Mordin interjected.

"This platform does not support the necessary software to match the tone of any singer to the appropriate song, Chambers-Yeoman." Legion declared.

"Aw, come on!" Kelly urged. "It'd be the perfect way to unwind after dealing with that Blue Suns merc camp!"

"For me, wiping out that merc camp _was_ unwinding!" Grunt smirked.

"Tell you what Kelly," Shepard said, "if you want us to sing so much, how about this; we choose a song that's appropriate for us and change the lyrics so it suits ourselves. Since as a human I don't want to be publicly humiliated by some old turian war song," she stared at Garrus, who threw his hands up in surrender, "I'll go first. I'm sure everyone knows this old twentieth century human song, so everyone can sing at least the chorus. Yes Legion- that includes you."

"We were not designed for the ability to sing, Shepard-Commander," Legion replied, "but we will do our best."

"That's the spirit. Alright, this is a little number I'd like to call '_Banned from Fairfax_'."

_**Shepard:  
**__When we pulled into Fairfax Port in need of R&R,  
The crew set out investigating every joint and bar.  
We had high expectations of their hospitality,  
But found too late it wasn't up for badasses such as we!_

_**Shepard, Kelly and Joker: **__  
And we're banned from Fairfax, everyone.  
Banned from Fairfax, just for havin' a little fun.  
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just a day or four,  
But Fairfax doesn't want us anymore!_

_**Miranda:  
**__The XO's tastes were very grand and so perfect was her face,  
They found her walking around town, with a man of a different race.  
__**Jacob: **__  
The Shore Police came along and tried to cop a feel;  
She blinked her eye and snapped his wrist- he screamed like a baby seal._

_**Shepard, Kelly, Joker, Miranda and Jacob: **__  
And we're banned from Fairfax, everyone.  
Banned from Fairfax, just for havin' a little fun.  
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just a day or four,  
But Fairfax doesn't want us anymore!_

_**Tali: **__  
The quarian would yield to none at putting down the drink;  
She out-drank seven goaltenders in a so-called hockey rink.  
Her combat drone refused to rest- it said 'make something fall',  
So she hacked a hovercraft and flew it through the mayor's front hall._

_**All: **__  
And we're banned from Fairfax, everyone.  
Banned from Fairfax, just for havin' a little fun.  
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just a day or four,  
But Fairfax doesn't want us anymore!_

_**Samara: **__  
The cool and proper justicar went shopping with her drell,  
Just to see a young cashier with corruption as his smell.  
__**Thane: **__  
The guards came charging up to them- they'd swear she had some knives,  
And so the drell knocked them out- to save their foolish lives._

_**All: **__  
And we're banned from Fairfax, everyone.  
Banned from Fairfax, just for havin' a little fun.  
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just a day or four,  
But Fairfax doesn't want us anymore!_

_**Kelly: **__  
The Yeoman disappeared awhile in a darkened alleyway,  
Finding some hot aliens to please her as she may.  
She came home with no uniform and an awfully cheerful heart,  
And a painful way of walking with her feet a yard apart._

_**All: **__  
And we're banned from Fairfax, everyone.  
Banned from Fairfax, just for havin' a little fun.  
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just a day or four,  
But Fairfax doesn't want us anymore!_

_**Legion: **__  
The geth platform built a consensus and won a bar-wide bet,  
By proving that its physical strength could not possibly be met.  
The humans eventually had enough and attacked and yelled and moaned,  
And at the end, all they had were kneecaps that were pwned._

_**All: **__  
And we're banned from Fairfax, everyone.  
Banned from Fairfax, just for havin' a little fun.  
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just a day or four,  
But Fairfax doesn't want us anymore!_

_**Mordin: **__  
Good doctor loves experiments; private life so quiet,  
Shore Police arrested him for inciting whores to riot.  
Crew found him in a city jail- commander ordered him set free,  
Even though there's never been a condom king like me!_

_**All: **__  
And we're banned from Fairfax, everyone.  
Banned from Fairfax, just for havin' a little fun.  
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just a day or four,  
But Fairfax doesn't want us anymore!_

_**Garrus: **__  
The turian loves risky missions into the depths of hell,  
Even if his true love is the commander he loves to smell.  
And that's why when the rest of the crew was locked up all in jail,  
His first thought was to get them out before her morning mail!_

_**All:  
**__And we're banned from Fairfax, everyone.  
Banned from Fairfax, just for havin' a little fun.  
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just a day or four,  
But Fairfax doesn't want us anymore!_

_**Grunt:**__  
A gang of idiots marched right in and no one seemed to care,  
Until they came across the ship's most violently aggressive pair.  
__**Jack:**__  
The krogan and the psycho bitch invited them to play,  
And when they winked and took a step, the assholes ran away._

_**All:**__  
And we're banned from Fairfax, everyone.  
Banned from Fairfax, just for havin' a little fun.  
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just a day or four,  
But Fairfax doesn't want us anymore!_

_**Shepard:**__  
Our crew is galactic finest, and our body count's our pride,  
And when we play we tend to leave a trail a dreadnought wide!  
We're sorry about the wreckage and the riots and the fuss;  
At least we know the colony sure as hell won't ever forget us!_

_**All:**__  
And we're banned from Fairfax, everyone.  
Banned from Fairfax, just for havin' a little fun.  
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just a day or four,  
But Fairfax doesn't want us anymore!_

"_Wonder why_!" finished the commander.

There was a round of cheers and applause from the table. Kelly grinned from ear to ear. "See commander; I told you singing would be fun!"

"That you did, Kelly." Shepard grinned as well.

"Yeah, that shit wasn't half-bad." Jack admitted, smirking.

"I haven't sung like that in- come to think of it I don't think I had ever sung at all!" Thane remarked.

"Must admit- salarian choir group not quite as talented as I originally thought." Mordin mused.

"This platform needs time to process all the new data acquired from dissection of personalities." Legion interjected. "A review of human slang is also necessary."

"Well, since we're all in such a chipper mood, what do you say we get a few more drinks and sing a few more songs?" Shepard replied smiling.

"You bet commander!" Joker turned to signal the bartender.

Shepard's eyes focused like a laser on the orange glow around the pilot's arm. "Joker- why is your omni-tool on?"

"Huh? OH!" Joker hurriedly switched the device off. "Uh, no reason commander! Absolutely none in the entire galaxy!"

EDI's voice vibrated in Shepard's ear, along with every other crewmember's. "Recording complete. Uploading data to private files and extranet. Do you have any further desires, Jeff?"

"_Joker…_"

**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Please review!**


	10. Chapter 10

"Goddamn it! He ran down the alley! Garrus, Jack, Tali- take the north path and cut him off! Miranda, Mordin, Thane- the west path! Don't let him double back! Jacob, Grunt, Legion, Samara- the east! Block him in from all sides! I'll continue the chase down the south path! Go, go, go!"

Shepard barked out the order to her team as the squad, weapons drawn, took off down their designated paths after Bavon Kalariot, a turian arms dealer they had tracked to the Taeseri Wards of the Citadel, and were now in hot pursuit of the criminal in an isolated part of the wards to ensure he didn't get away. Shepard continued the pursuit while hoping her team would be able to surround him before he got into a more open area. Twelve pairs of boots radiated throughout the corridors as they raced through to try to catch him.

Pretty soon, Bavon found himself in surrounded in an intersection with nowhere to escape to other than a wide side street, which he made a break for despite the fact that there were numerous side passages in it that anyone could ambush him from and the ground seemed to be covered with a mysterious clear slippery liquid substance. Shepard, sensing what could possibly happen, bolted down a parallel street to try to cut him off at the other side.

Just then, a multitude of similar comedic incidents happened at the same time; from right in front of Bavon Garrus, Jack and Tali, who were all running right next to each other, stepped on the mysterious liquid on the floor and went slipping with a series of _crashes_ to the ground.

"Whoa!"

"Holy fuck!"

"Keelah!"

From the left path leading into the alley appeared Miranda, Mordin and Thane, who not seeing the state of the floor raced out to intercept Bavon, only to go feet up in the air, crashed back down and then slid magnificently across the tile.

"Crikey!"

"Floor unstable!"

"By Arashu!"

At the same time the right path expelled Jacob, Grunt, Samara and Legion, who all raced to tackle the man who had incapacitated their teammates, only to miss the conveniently near-invisible substance that was spread right across where they were entering.

"Son of a bitch!"

"HOOARRGGGHHH!"

"By the Goddess!"

"Alert! Platform destabilizing!"

Bavon looked around at the ten incapacitated teammates in amazement before racing forward towards the end of the alley to take advantage of his pure luck. However, just as he was stepping out the exit a leg shot across his shins, sending the turian flying face-first into the tile floor. Shepard restrained Bavon before hauling him to his feet. When she looked back, she saw in astonishment that all ten members of her shore party were lying on their backs, groaning in very apparent discomfort.

"I think there might have been some liquid on the ground." Garrus managed to spit out weakly, the fall having knocked all the air out of his lungs.

"Oh really, Vakarian?" Jack's winded, sarcastic voice responded. "Shit, I would never have noticed."

"It is probably an accident left behind by a careless maintenance crew." Tali gasped.

"Doesn't Citadel maintenance know the importance of proper maintenance?" Miranda managed to force out.

"Unlikely- would have cleaned up hazardous oil spill if that were true." Mordin took several deep breaths.

"It seems that for once in my life I failed to properly examine the area for possible hazards. I should have been more careful." Thane made a gallant effort to sit up before crashing back down onto the ground.

"What?" Jacob laughed weakly. "And miss all the fun of slipping and falling on our asses?"

"Hey, I'd like to see you land on your back when you've got a massive hump on it!" Grunt let out a growl that sounded a lot more like a gasp.

"It probably would have been wiser to just use biotics to restrain the subject instead of pursuing on foot. This may have been someone's idea of a ridiculous practical joke." Samara took a huge breath of air.

"We do not understand the rational behind organics' ideas of 'jokes' of this nature, Samara-Justicar." Legion sounded as synthetic as ever. "Particularly if it interferes with critical missions."

"Well, I see you're enjoying a bit of R&R." Shepard teased with a smirk on her face as she walked carefully up towards them, holding the restrained Bavon.

"Oh, you know- same old, same old, Shepard." Garrus pulled himself into a sitting position, which took considerable effort. "Getting knocked on our asses every time we turn around- just like old times."

Shepard smirked again. Bavon struggled in her grasp, prompting her to cuff him on the side of the head to keep him still.

"Well, make sure you don't get used too used to it." She replied. "We have to transport him all the way back to C-Sec, and I don't want to have to chase him all the way back down here again. Although," she said thoughtfully as she pushed the prisoner down along the corridor, "I really wish I'd seen the love affairs you seem to all have with the floor."

Jack propped herself on her elbows. "Good luck, commander. You ain't ever going to see me on my back again unless I say so."

The shore party members slowly and painfully got to there feet. Trying to walk as dignified as they could- or in their case, like the biggest badasses in the galaxy that they should be- they followed the commander out. Except this time they made sure to watch where they stepped.

"And remind me to talk to Bailey about where C-Sec allows the maintenance team to dump the illegal 'enhanced sex performance' drugs they seize." Shepard called casually behind her.

**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Please review!**


	11. Chapter 11

Jacob spun around back towards the way they'd come. There was no question about it; he'd heard something behind him. A movement in the underbrush- one of the _many_ pieces of underbrush they'd come across in the dense, plant filled jungle. His eyes narrowed and he quickly rushed back on the same path he'd come, his shotgun out in front of him.

After about twenty yards, he stumbled over something on the ground. Looking down, his eyes widened slightly at the sight; the dead body of a male human mercenary- an open-eyed, far-off dead look in his eyes, a large minigun lying on the ground next to him.

Jacob stared at the body in confusion; there appeared to be no wounds visible on it, not any signs of any kind of attack. No blood, no used heat sinks, nothing. It was as if the merc had simply collapsed out of the blue. _What the hell could have caused that?_ A heart attack, perhaps? No, that just didn't fit; the wide-eyed look on his face made it far more likely he had… no, he couldn't have died of fear. Could he?

At that moment Jacob became aware of a presence right in front of him. Slowly, he lifted his head upwards and stared straight ahead- ahead into the jungle directly in front of him. His eyes focused on the mountain of plants and trees about fifteen yards away. He felt his heartbeat increase as he stood motionless, fixated on the spot.

_The shrubs on the left side shifted ever so slightly_…

A normal thing to do in such a case would be to go and investigate such a disturbance carefully, weapon at hand ready to defend oneself if necessary. But this was not a _normal_ squad! Therefore Jacob was not a normal soldier! And a normal soldier didn't do the standard thing during situations like these; instead, they made up their own rules!

So what does a soldier like this do when faced with a situation like this? Not act normally! Not a chance in hell of that. For a badass soldier like he was belonging to a badass squad like he did, there was only one thing to do.

"_CONTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACT!_"

He began pumping shotgun rounds into the area where the movement had taken place, letting out roars resembling war cries while he stepped forward a few paces and fired his weapon from the hip. Of course, he also completely ignored the fact that the distance was too great for his shots to be effective. It didn't matter; there was a _predator_ out there in the bushes and he'd be damned if he wasn't going to slay it like the real badass that he was!

Not far behind Jacob, the rest of the squad whipped their heads around at the sound of gunshots and shouts that sounded like they were from a wild animal. Shepard quickly rushed backwards towards the sound, with the rest of the team in hot pursuit.

"_HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!_" Jacob's eyes were wild as he pulled the trigger over and over, determined to wipe out whatever was in those bushes before it got out and came after him. Numerous clicking noises began reaching his ears every time he pulled the trigger and he looked down in frustration to find the shotgun had run out of heat sinks. He tossed it to the side.

_Ain't no way I'm wasting time reloading! And no chance in HELL I'm using that little pussy pistol I got even though it's better for long-range attacks! I need something more badass than that! Aha! I'll just take this minigun that's lying randomly here on the ground!_

He reached down, grabbed hold of the minigun lying near the mercs body and pressed his finger to the trigger. A huge spray of fire power erupted from the weapon, decimating every shrub it touched. Of course, he couldn't be a true badass unless he decimated every single thing around the actual target he was trying to hit, so he moved the minigun back and forth, cutting down trees and destroying plants in every section in front of him.

From behind him, the jungle expelled Shepard, who raced right up beside Jacob. Without a word, a narrowed-eyed, tight-lipped, determined look on her face, she began spraying fire with her assault rifle from the hip into the jungle in front of them- without any idea of what they were shooting at. But that's typical- come in and start shooting into the trees, no questions asked- just like a true badass.

The rest of the squad quickly arrived on the scene beside the other two and quickly joined in the fray, wildly firing their weapons in the general direction of where their comrades were doing the same. Trees came crashing down everywhere they shot, bark flew everywhere, smoke soon filled the air and shrubs got cut down in an instant. What followed was rather a confusing, disjointed blur to any outsider that was watching, but it generally went something like this:

**Miranda:** (_unloading with her machine pistol_) What the hell are we shooting at?

**Grunt:** (_spraying assault rifle rounds_) Who cares? I'm just loving all this chaos!

**Garrus:** (_mowing down trees with his assault rifle_) I can't see a damn thing through the smoke! I don't think there's any- wait, what just moved over there? Oh no you don't, you little… _HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!_

**Tali:** (_unleashing shotgun round after shotgun round_) What's all this chaos? What is everyone shooting at? Why am I finding this violence so fascinating? Take _that_, you little bosh'tet, wherever you are!

**Mordin:** (_spraying machine pistol fire_) Look where shots landing! Chaotic! Unbelievable! Illogical! Hell of a fun! Here- _enjoy!_

**Jacob:** (_chopping down a redwood with the minigun_) _MOTHERFUCKER__!_

**Jack:** (_gleefully, going crazy with her shotgun_) I don't know what the fuck we're shooting at, but I haven't had this big an orgasm since after our celebration on the Citadel with Gru… never fucking mind!

**Thane:** (_taking wild shots with his sniper rifle_) Incredible! I can't believe I'm being so reckless with my sniper shots! It's such a release to finally go crazy! Wheeee!

**Samara:** (_joining Galaxy Book of World Records for most shrubs killed with an assault rifle_) Patience, Thane. If you want a true release, I'm sure _I_ could oblige you. You must always be calm in combat scen- _HA!_ Take _that_, you little pest! Find peace in the embrace of the shrub goddess!

**Legion:** (_spraying assault rifle rounds everywhere_) Situation chaotic! Cannot reach a consensus! Squad wasting ammunition and taking joy in it. Analysis complete: we love all this mindless violence.

And so it went on as every single squad member continued to shoot blindly into the jungle, letting out war cries and shouts of glee even as they popped heat sinks at continued firing. Smoke rose everywhere, obstructing the team members from seeing what they were shooting at- not that they could see worth a damn before anyway, but who the hell cared? They were on a rampage- a kickass, badass rampage- and not a damn thing could deter their love for firepower and extreme landscaping.

_Click. Click. Click. _

Well, except that everyone's weapons, including the minigun could run out of heat sinks (although that didn't stop Jacob from holding onto the trigger of the minigun for a good twenty more seconds until a tap on the shoulder from Shepard alerted him of its uselessness).

Slowly, everyone lowered their weapons and peered straight ahead into the jungle- or what was left of it; practically every single bit of plant life that had been in the range of the crew's sights had been mowed down, leaving a smoky void directly in front of them. And what's more, there wasn't the slightest trace except the greenery had been slaughtered.

The following scene happened as such.

**Garrus:** Aw hell, Shepard. (_puts a cigar in his mouth_) We didn't hit nothin' but the goddamn shrubbery.

**Shepard:** Yeah well, it sure as hell wasn't for lack of trying, was it? How many heat sinks did waste- hey! (_snatches cigar from Garrus_) No smoking under my command!

**Garrus:** But it's such a nice cliché, isn't it? Shoot up a bunch of stuff, then light up a cigar and say a real badass line!

**Shepard:** You don't want your bad ass to be kicked from here to dark space, you won't ever light one of these things up again around me!

**Garrus:** Is that a proposition, Commander?

**Shepard:** Don't push me, Mr. Macho Turian.

**Miranda: **Quiet! What was that?

The original area where Jacob had first seen the trace of movement gave a resounding _crack_; all the squad members tensed up and reached for their weapons, only to remember they had used up all their heat sinks on extreme lumber jacking. Breaths were held as there was another noise and the smoke parted to reveal their original target…

… a baby varren the size of a kitty cat.

The rest of the scene, after about a minute of dead shocked silence can be summed up like this:

**Miranda:** Are you bloody kidding me? We wasted all that ammunition on a harmless _animal_?

**Grunt:** (_disappointed_) And we didn't even manage to hit it!

**Jack:** Aw, _fuck_!

**Miranda:** Jacob! What the hell were you thinking shooting and setting off a false alarm like this? I ought to kick your arse from here back to Earth!

**Jacob:** (_suddenly very interested_) _Really_?

**Miranda: **Don't get any perverted ideas in your head. (_murmuring to him_) I'll let you show me them after I've cooled off tonight.

**Garrus:** Pity we didn't record this little incident. Well at least it proves one thing, Shepard.

**Shepard:** Oh, and exactly what would that be? 'How to Waste All Your Ammo in the Stupidest Way Possible'? I'd rather not have my name attached to that, thank you very much!

**Garrus:** No, but that's a damn ingenious title though! I meant if we had recorded it, we could sell it under another title.

**Shepard:** What title would that be?

**Garrus:** 'How Real Badasses do Landscaping'.

**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Please review!**

**Any idea as to what the inspiration behind this chapter was?**


	12. Chapter 12

Shepard allowed herself a large smirk as she leaned back in her chair in the common room. Everything was set and perfect; by tonight, everything will have been accomplished and the stage will be set, just as she had imagined that it would.

Frankly she was _astounded_ that she was actually going through with this. When the idea had been presented to her by Kelly- because, of course, who else on the _Normandy_ would think up an idea like this? - she as well as almost everyone else that Kelly proposed had shot it down almost instantly. But after some thought, she had decided that it might actually be a good idea. And what was even more surprising was that once she explained out her idea and her logic, the others had quickly agreed too. All in a day of being a persuasive commander and the Saviour of the Universe.

_Good publicity my well-toned ass!_ This team probably didn't need any more publicity than they already had after everything they'd done in the past couple of months; Kelly had most likely thought that up in a flash when Shepard had asked her in disbelief as to what possible reason she could have for thinking up something like that. Still, it had been surprisingly easy and fun to do- not to mention the fact that it would probably make Garrus pass out- which was alright as long as the turian woke up in time to reap the benefits of Shepard's intentions. Come to think of it, she imagined just about _every_ male on board would reap the benefits- providing they could tell themselves how to breathe after the first experience.

As she sipped her well-deserved shot of tequila, she surveyed the rest of her companions around the table. "Well?" She said expectantly. "What do you think?"

Miranda, smirking and settling back with her own drink remarked, "Oh, I definitely think we've got everything primed and ready to go."

"You're really going through with this?"

"Yes. Normally I wouldn't have even considered doing anything of the sort, but leaving Cerberus tends to leave a rather… _liberalizing_ sense in you that sets your spirit free."

"Yeah, it'll drive the Illusive Man crazy, won't it?"

"Probably, but I was thinking of driving someone _else_ crazy in a very… _different_ way." She wagged her eyebrows suggestively.

"I'm sure he'll be thrilled to experience it- right after he hauls his jaw up off the floor. Thanks for lending me your dress, Kelly. It was a great idea of yours."

The yeoman beamed. "I told you it would be! There's nothing better for the greatest team in the galaxy to do than sit back and let your spirit fly high! After everything we've done and been through, I figure the best thing to do right now is just be able to take in the moment and let ourselves go wild!"

"Well if there's anyone that knows how to go wild Kelly, it'd probably be you. So who did you have in mind when you were pulling off all those poses?"

Kelly shrugged. "I'm not sure. I mean, I've always had a weakness for men with scars but I figured the one I had in mind was taken…"

"Very good decision."

"And that lone shark assassin look Thane's got going is a really turn on…"

"Which is fully occupied at the moment- of that I can assure you, Miss Chambers." Samara's calm yet firm voice from the other end of the table reminded the yeoman of the justicar's might and presence.

"Uh… yeah of course! I knew that! So I'm not really sure. I guess I'll have to wait and see."

"You're not alone." Tali remarked beside her. "I really don't know how my own situation will turn out. I mean, it's not like there's any big deal about me or any interest about me…"

"Are you kidding?" Kelly cried incredulously. "Tali, in case you didn't know you're practically the main topic of the scuttlebutt every night! All the guys go on and on about your curvy hips and your sexy accent and that…" She gestured with her hands dramatically. "That _mysteriousness_ around you! Every one of them is dying to know what you look like under that helmet. Didn't you know? The first thing out of everyone's mouth when they come in at the beginning of their rotation is 'has anyone figured out what Tali looks like yet'? Guys are nuts about you!"

Though she couldn't be certain, Shepard imagined that the way the quarian looked away quickly indicated she was blushing under that helmet. And frankly, Kelly had been right; Tali's face _was_ a hot topic, especially amongst the males of the crew. Even Garrus had casually thrown out the topic one evening, though he covered it well enough by saying that if he could ever see her face, he hoped it would be as 'physically endearing', as the turian had put it, as Shepard's.

"In my experience, men don't care about the _mysteriousness_ about you or any of that cosy, lovey-dovey shit." Jack said brusquely. "All they care about is how big your tits are, how well you shake your ass and how they can stick their dick into you."

"Jack!" Kelly cried out.

The biotic turned to her. "What? That's the truth. No guy just wants to be with you just 'cause they think you're sweet or whatever. They _want_ something out of you. _Everyone_ wants something out of you."

"Well, I don't believe that." Kelly said firmly. "I believe that for everyone in the galaxy, there is someone else out there for them- a _soul mate_. And it doesn't matter which species or gender it is- all that matters is that they love each other and that's all!"

Jack snorted and shook her head. Shepard, consumed by curiosity asked, "If you feel that way Jack, why did you agree to take part in this?"

Jack shrugged. "I figured enough of the galaxy's seen me in that state that it doesn't really matter. Plus, it wouldn't hurt to show the trillions of other men out there what a _real_ woman looks like- and what would kill them if they ever tried their luck."

"Plus it'll probably give certain men _multiple_ heart attacks- at the same time." Miranda said, giving a damn good wink.

"Hey, at least he'll still be alive the end of it, cheerleader. Which is more than I can say for _your_ man; the way I figure it, he'll be dead after just looking at the cover!"

"Don't count on it. I had the opportunity to test his… stamina not so long ago and I assure you that his heart is perfectly strong enough for this. It had to have been- considering the last time we 'met up' in the engine room."

"Well, we all appreciate you being a good sport, Jack." Kelly said appreciatively. "And it's all for a good cause- raising awareness of the diversity of the universe and the necessity of being able to appreciate the beauty of every species. Not to mention seeing certain _men's_ reactions aboard the _Normandy_." She giggled.

"Amen to that." Shepard raised her glass. "The things we do for the galaxy."

The other occupants of the table raised their glasses in mock toasts as well.

"And for the results they hopefully produce on board." Kelly added, grinning widely.

**ME**

When Jacob stepped out of the Armoury that evening, he was by no means sorry to be finished for the day. Twelve straight hours of cleaning and checking weapons over and over, as if they were going to fall apart at the slightest sign of a stain. He'd had enough to the point where he would willingly take on a Thresher Maw single-handedly rather than clean another rifle. He settled for grabbing a cup of coffee from the mess area- if the crap that Gardner made and then left out all day could be described as 'coffee'.

His attention was drawn to the numerous thin packages on the break table and he immediately felt his mood lighten; the newest issue of _Galactic Monthly Magazine_ had finally arrived and the ex-Cerberus soldier was looking forward to catching up on what was new in the universe. The mission to take down the Collectors had pretty much taken away from any chance he might have had to catch up on some light reading. He was meaning to make up for lost time.

Casually, he picked up one of the packages and slid it open. Not paying too much attention, he extracted the magazine and as he looked down on the cover, he took a casual sip of coffee.

Which he promptly sprayed out across the room.

The coffee cup fell from his hand and crashed on the floor, but he didn't even hear it. He couldn't hear anything at that moment.

It wasn't the magazine itself as much as it was the _cover_ of the magazine that grabbed his attention. More specifically, it was _who_ was on the cover that grabbed his attention and locked it in place.

A creamy white, sexy, smooth, curvy, _naked_ back.

That back belonged to a woman who was sitting in a chair facing away from the camera. She was looking over her shoulder, a smirk-like smile on her face with her long black hair curling over the sides of her face and down the upper portion of her back. Her body was positioned just so that just a fraction of one of her perky, perfect breasts could be seen. A highly seductive and familiar wink shone out at him- that and the fact that her entire body was covered by a thin, bright blue biotic aura.

_Miranda._

Under the main magazine title, jumping out in big bold letters, was the phrase: **MASSEXY EFFECT**.

Jacob gaped at the picture on the cover. Though he had seen Miranda naked quite a few times before in person he had _never_, in his wildest dreams, believed she could look so good. She looked _really_ good. Better than he had ever imagined. He knew Miranda had been engineered to be perfect, but right now, in his mind, she _was_ perfect- not a single flaw to be had. The Illusive Man was going to have a damn _coronary_ when he saw this!

Swallowing hard, listening to his own heartbeat pounding in his ears, he slowly opened the magazine up to the editor's note on the front inside flap.

_Dear beloved readers from across the galaxy,_

_In order to ensure our faithful audience the best possible quality we here at _Galactic Monthly _can provide, this month's issue will be dedicated to the branching out and exploration of the natural beauty of the female species. Which species, you ask? All of them! In order to accomplish this, _GMM _has enlisted the help of multiple time war hero and Saviour of the Galaxy Commander Shepard and her strong, illustrious crew of the _SSV Normandy SR-2_ and will be presenting to you the finest shots of the female members of this elite team. We hope that this will allow our readers to experience first hand the extent of the most beautiful women in the galaxy, who kick ass and do damn good job at it, so here we present to you the finest in galactic sexiness._

_Heads above the stars,_

_The Editor_

Well this was something he definitely wasn't expecting. How in the hell had Miranda even managed to get that picture done? He couldn't remember a time when she could have occupied herself with this. Then again, this was Miranda, and if she wanted to do something then it got done. And he was all the happier for it.

He turned the page and froze, gaping down at the picture.

_Shepard_. In the _forward batteries_…

Garrus was going to have a _heart attack_! _He_ was going to have a heart attack! Hell, every damn male on the ship was probably going to be dead by the morning!

The commander was leaning up against the control panel of the ship's forward batteries where Garrus was usually found, a sultry, suggestive look on her face. In the place of her usual ship wear, she had a low-cut, tight fitting red dress, which seemed to emphasize the one curvy leg she had leaning up against the back platform. Her smoking heavy pistol in hand, her eyes seemed to take on a hungry, seductive predator-like look. She looked _phenomenal._

In a suddenly wild gesture, he quickly flipped to the centre fold.

And almost fell onto the floor.

_Miranda_. _Again._ _In the engine room._

He felt his mouth go completely dry.

The ex-Cerberus operative was crouched on the ground with one leg stretched out to the side. She was wearing her black alternate uniform which seemed to hug more curves than he ever remembered her having. Her dark hair had a distinct shine to it and it fell loosely over her face, giving her a definite wild, ready to go wild in bed look. He hands hung loosely between her legs; there, at the tips of her fingers, were a distinct blue crackle.

That drove Jacob over the edge.

_Screw this_. He flung the magazine down onto the table and made a beeline for Miranda's office.

Miranda sat at her desk, staring down at the cover of the latest issue of _Galactic Monthly_. The shoot had gone extremely well and she could say that she was extremely happy with the result. Her attention was distracted by the whoosh of her door opening and she looked up to see Jacob striding in with a purpose.

She raised an eyebrow. "Jacob, what can I do for…"

She never got the 'you' part out as Jacob quickly and unexpectedly swept her up out her chair and into his arms, pressing his mouth against hers in a crushing kiss.

Miranda had definitely not expected something like this to happen so soon, but if she said that she didn't want it or wanted him to stop, she'd definitely be lying. She quickly returned the kiss, wrapping her arms and legs around Jacob's muscular body and allowing herself to be pushed into the bedroom. As the two hit the bed, she reached out blindly with her hand and felt around until she found the switch for her office door.

The light on the door outside promptly turned red.

**ME**

By the time Garrus strode out of the forward batteries room about two hours later, he could definitely sense something was different. The commons room was full- not a big surprise there really- but it was _alive_. Like, _really_ alive. Like, _buzzing_. Everywhere he looked, crew members, mostly men, were huddled in small groups murmuring feverishly under their breath. He strode to the nearest table where Joker was seated; a shocked expression was plastered on the pilot's face as he stared off into the distance.

"Joker? What's going on here?"

Joker stared to look at him, his mouth wide open in shock. Garrus spied a magazine on the top of the table and quickly snatched it up, intending on getting to the bottom of the mystery just like he did back in C-Sec. His eyes widened and his eyepiece whirled excitedly as he stared at the sight at an (even more so than usual) scantily-clad Miranda on the cover.

**MASSEXY EFFECT**.

_What the __**hell**_?

He flipped the magazine open to the first page and stopped dead in his tracks.

_Shepard. Dress. Forward Batteries._

_Gahhhhhh!_

He swallowed hard before flicking through the rest of the magazine.

_Shepard…_

_Miranda…_

_Tali!_

_Gabby?_

_Kelly!_

_Miranda…_

_JACK?_

_Dr. CHAKWAS?_

_Tali! Taking off her mask!_

_Shepard…_

_Samara…_

_Shepard!_

_Holy mother of Palaven!_

Reaching the centre fold, his muscles went weak and he almost fell down.

_Shepard. Dancing. In the red dress._

The commander was striking a pose very similar to the one that the dancers back in Afterlife on Omega did when they had finished up a dance. He knew that Shepard was flexible but never had he known she was _that_ flexible!

Jack. With a biotic _shield_. In the _engine_ room. Was she crazy? Wait… never mind.

Tali. With _his_ sniper rifle. It _was_ his; he'd recognize it anywhere! When the hell did she get _that_?

He came to the last page in the magazine. This time, he really _did_ fall down.

_Shepard. In her bed. Naked._

Garrus momentarily forgot how to breathe. He sat on the ground, sucking air, as his brain tried to get back on track.

Shepard was kneeling on her bed, facing away from the camera, her exposed back and bare ass shining out for the entire galaxy to see. She had on her face the most seductive look yet as she looked over her shoulder towards the camera. _That smirk_. She was holding her assault rifle in both hands pointing at the ceiling, one finger on the trigger, the other hand caressing the barrel like a…

_Gahhhhhhhh!_

He threw the magazine to the side, willing himself to get under control. Looking up towards the corridor, he saw her and froze up entirely. She gave him a smirk- _that_ smirk- before slowly walking out of view towards the elevator. Almost unconsciously, he sprang to his feet and chased after her, only to see the elevator doors close in his face. For once in his life, he cursed the improved speed of the elevator over the one in the previous _Normandy_.

This was something he did _not_ want to wait for.

**ME**

Shepard was still smirking as she stepped into her private quarters. She'd given Garrus quite a shock alright. He'd read the magazine; there was no question of that considering the shocked, gaping expression on the turian's face. It was indeed cruel of her to leave him hanging on the crew deck like that- not that he should be _hanging_ at all by now, she mused- but it added to the sexual tension and would provide for an even bigger explosion when he got up here.

Oh, he'd be up here shortly alright. Just like all the other males on the ship, the magazine photos had driven him crazy, and she was already seeing the effects of it all over the ship. She'd figured it had begun when she noticed that the door to Miranda's office had been locked for two straight hours. _Good thing I ordered the interior of the ship to be resistant to explosive biotic flashes_, she though amusedly. Miranda and Jacob together would account for one hell of an explosion. She'd seen Thane follow Samara into the Starboard Observation Deck and was pretty sure that the speed with which the door locked was an indication that the assassin and the justicar were once again on good terms.

And that was just the beginning. On her inspection of the engineering deck, after busting but not stopping Ken and Gabby in a wild engine room session, she'd heard the loudest, wildest roars she'd ever heard coming from just below her feet and quickly deduced them to be a combination of Jack and Grunt. Shepard wasn't sure what exactly was going on down there, nor did she _want_ to know, and promptly left the level as quickly as possible. She got another disturbing encounter when she passed the Med Bay and saw Mess Sergeant Gardner and Dr. Chakwas in a slightly less than professional medical position. It surprised her somewhat to see the door to the AI Core locked again, but then remembered that she hadn't to see Tali in the engine room, and had a sneaking suspicion that the magazine had made Legion feel a little less synthetic. Shepard only prayed that what was going on in there wouldn't require too big a mess to clean up later; put two tech experts in a room in this situation and the sparks could _really_ fly. And it was just a guess on her part, but she had a feeling that right now, with everything else happening around him, Joker was wishing that EDI was more than just an AI with an avatar. _Poor Joker._

As for Kelly, Shepard had seen her stride into Mordin's lab; that had been three hours ago, and she doubted even Mordin could talk about diseases and cures that long. She shook her head in amusement; Kelly loved every single species in the galaxy, and the mere possibility that she could arouse any kind of sexual feelings in Mordin was a testament to just how determined she was to put her body on the line- literally- for improving interspecies relationships. _Oh Kelly_.

The door to her quarters opened and in strode Garrus, looking very flustered and panicked. "Shepard, what the _hell's_ going on here? There's a group of _men_ waiting for the use of the elevator to come up to your quarters!"

Shepard raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. "They're not coming up here to receive _sexual favours_ if that's what you're worried about, Garrus."

Garrus glared at her. Why, oh _why_, did she have to mention _sex_? He felt himself begin lose control of his body again.

"By your attitude and actions, I'll take it as a sign that you've seen this month's edition of _Galactic Monthly_."

Garrus cleared his throat loudly. "Very, uh… intriguing, _commander._"

Shepard raised another eyebrow. "Intriguing? I show my ass to the entire galaxy for hours on end and all you can say is that you find it 'intriguing'?"

"I wasn't expecting to see that. You caught me off guard."

Shepard smirked. "But I can see the effect it's having on you right now."

Garrus looked away embarrassed and Shepard chuckled at his awkwardness. It was really cute to watch. "How did you come up with this, uh… idea?" The turian asked.

"Kelly. She thought it would go a long way in improving interspecies relations. And given what's happening all over the ship at this very moment, I can't say I disagree."

"Building interspecies relations is something you're already good at!" Garrus protested. "Was it really necessary to… to… _expose_ yourself to the whole galaxy like that?"

Shepard smirked again. "Getting a little possessive are we, Garrus?"

Garrus' mouth opened and closed several times. How the hell was he to respond to that? Shepard slowly took a few steps towards him. He watched enthralled as she approached- her shirt had suddenly in the last few minutes become practically _see-through_, and aggressively hugged every one of her many curves. His mouth opened slightly in anticipation, staring at her figure.

Which stunned him long enough for Shepard to stuff a red rose in his mouth, pass his face over with her omni-tool and remove it all in the space of three seconds.

Garrus spluttered. "Shepard! What was all that about?"

Shepard smirked. "That was me snapping a pretty picture of you with my omni-tool, Officer Vakarian. One press of the button and this'll go all over the extranet."

Garrus gaped at her in disbelief. "You- you wouldn't do that, would you?"

"Oh yes, I would." Shepard smiled. "I'd really love to see the blog comments about the macho Garrus Vakarian with a pretty little flower in his mouth. I'm sure it'd break the extranet blog record. _Unless_…" Her eyes gleamed mischievously. "You can come up with a way to _convince_ me to withhold this image."

"And, uh…" Garrus fumbled, sweating, "exactly how would I do that, commander?"

She wagged her brows suggestively. "Oh, I'm sure you'll think of _something_." She placed the rose in her own mouth, so she was biting onto the stem with the actual flower sticking out seductively of the side of her mouth.

That was all it took. Shepard let out a muffled cry of pleasure as Garrus picked her up and tackled her onto the bed, covering her body with his.

Shepard grinned as her eyes rolled back in her head and a feeling of pleasure washed over her. This was _definitely_ way better than any shore leave the team could take.

She thought of the picture she had snapped of Garrus; yeah, it had been slightly cruel of her to use it to blackmail Garrus into getting what she wanted, but the more she thought about it the more she believed it wasn't such a bad thing after all.

_You know, that picture's not so bad after all. It's kind of sweet; shows the soft, sensitive side of a turian rebel. That's something you don't see every day. And come to think of it, a lot of women would go crazy over it._

Shepard allowed herself another mischievous grin. Maybe tomorrow she could contact the editor of _GMM_- let him know how well the issue turned out.

And at the same time tell him that she has a great photo for the cover of next month's issue.

**A/N: Total crack fic, but totally fun doing. Longest chapter yet! And also one of the most fun! What do you think? Please review!**


	13. Chapter 13

The entire atmosphere in the _Normandy's_ Common Area that morning immediately changed the moment that the commander stepped off the elevator and walked- or to be more accurate- strode towards the kitchen area. To say that it merely got a little bit tenser would have been the biggest understatement in the last millennium. To describe it more accurately, one would have to say that a thundercloud the size of Harbinger had just come in and was waiting to strike out at the first person who got in its way. And that was just where things began.

To be honest, it had been a particularly bad morning for Shepard ever since she had woken up and right now she was simmering over all her misfortunes that she had suffered from. Not only had she learned that her personal coffee vendor had suddenly decided that today would be the day that it kicked the bucket, but in her frustration she had grabbed a handful of fish food where her box of flax seed should have been and it was only after half of it was down her throat did she realize what it was. Then, as she was coughing and choking and ignoring EDI's monotonous voice asking if she required medical assistance, she had received, along with a lot of time consuming spam to be deleted, a number of unsavoury messages; from the Citadel Council demanding that she explain the exact current nature of her relationship with Cerberus, from Udina demanding to know why he was getting reports of having a geth on her team, and from the Illusive Man demanding that she return _his_ ship and crew even though none of them were a part of Cerberus anymore. In the face of all these 'demands', she was beginning to feel as if the entire universe was unsatisfied with everything she had done for them and was determined to punish her for doing exactly what she was supposed to do.

She was half-tempted to tell all the people who were pestering her with demands, even as she was wrapping up satisfying other people's requests for help, to go fuck themselves, but decided in the long-run it wouldn't be a very good idea. Not because they didn't deserve it, because they did- well maybe not Anderson- but because she had to stay on their good side for when the Reapers finally did come. So she had to swallow her anger and play nice for the time being.

Still, that didn't mean she wasn't frustrated- not at all. Under the surface, she was boiling- the proverbial powder keg waiting to explode. All it would take was one spark and the whole situation would boil over in a heartbeat; she was going to have her hands full trying to keep that from happening until she cooled down.

Unfortunately, that was going to be a hell of a lot easier said than done, considering the fact that she was now surrounded by opportunities for her temper to get the better of her; every single member of her field team was sitting in the common area, as well as Kelly and Joker. Normally she wouldn't have minded and even would have joined in sitting with her team, but today was different. And it seemed like their sole purpose this morning, in her mind, was to piss her off even more.

"Good morning, Commander." Joker leaned back in his chair and gave her that grin- that smirking, knowing grin that he used _every single day_. God how that got on her nerves!

"What's so good about it?" She snapped. "The fact that I have to deal with assholes and incompetents from the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed? Or the fact that no one in this damn galaxy appreciates the time and effort I put in to saving it? Huh? Do you think that's good? Oh yes, it's good! It's abso-freakin-lutely _fantastic_!"

The group stared back at her, stunned. Shepard had already marched across the room towards the kitchen area and grabbed a cup of what Mess Sergeant Gardner liked to call 'coffee'. Bullshit. The stuff manufactured on this ship wasn't worthy of the title. It was unbelievable- the most advanced warship in the entire galaxy and Cerberus couldn't find the resources to make a decent coffee vendor. Up until now it hadn't been a problem because she had her own vendor, but with it broken it looked like she was stuck with this pseudo-one for now. Needless to say it did not improve her mood one bit.

She turned around to see the rest of the crew staring at her. She glared and snapped back at them. "What are you all looking at?"

Joker cautiously cleared his throat. "Uh, Commander? You okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" She snapped again. "Is there something that indicates that I'm not fine? Is there something that indicates that there's something _wrong_ with me? Did I do something that makes you _doubt _my abilities?"

"No, I was just…"

"And what are you doing down here anyway? Aren't you supposed to be flying the ship?"

"It's alright- EDI's got it on autopilot for now. Besides, even the greatest pilot in the galaxy needs some R&R every so often." He said with a grin, hoping to ease the tension that had engulfed the entire room.

"Oh, great- so the 'greatest pilot in the galaxy' is now putting the most advanced warship in the galaxy under the control of a goddamn AI. Well, hallelujah! And I thought this group was insane enough as it was!"

She stormed to a secluded table apart from the group, slammed her cup down and sat on the chair.

Garrus' brow furrowed. Though he knew the commander was prone to occasional mood swings, this was more than he had ever seen out of her. He cast a questioning look towards Joker, who was sitting across from him. _What did you do to piss her off?_

Joker merely gave a shrug and returned the look. _Don't look at me! I didn't do anything!_ He resumed drinking his coffee.

The team soon re-immersed themselves in their discussion and the earlier incident was soon forgotten. Shepard remained at her table, taking occasional sips from her cup and staring off blindly into space. The rest of the crew soon forgot about her presence and were chatting away normally.

Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to them, Shepard's mood had not returned to normal; in fact, it had only gotten worse since she had sat down. Try as she might, she couldn't ignore the voices that were floating across the room towards her. They seemed to be getting louder and louder with each passing moment, and as the noise increased so did her temper; the lack of proper caffeine in her system contributed significantly to her bad mood.

Joker, Garrus, Jacob and Kelly were all seated at one table, laughing and joking away. Joker and Garrus were telling the most outlandish stories with the other two howling with laughter. Shepard felt a wave of jealously sweep over her as she watched Kelly grow red after one of Garrus' stories about Omega; she wasn't sure if the yeoman found it funny or if she was blushing after picturing the turian single-handedly taking out waves of angry mercs. The mere thought made her blood boil.

Thane, Samara, Jack and Grunt were all sitting at the next table. The ex-convict and the krogan seemed to be in the middle of another one of their competitive streaks and were trying to out-match the other in everything from arm-wrestling (Jack won on account of her using her biotics) to burping contests (Grunt winning hands down) to who had killed the most mercs on their last trip (which apparently right now was at a deadlock tie). Shepard began to feel her head pulsing as their voices grew louder and louder as they described the horrible ways in which they'd mangled their victims.

Thane and Samara were both sitting passively next to each other, drinking their coffee in apparent silence, but Shepard's hawk eyes focused under the table and observed the pair quietly link their hands in a rare display of public intimacy. Frankly, why they had to have _any_ intimacy was beyond the commander at the moment; why a drell assassin who had less than a year to live and an asari justicar who had sworn off all worldly possessions including romance would get together was just not _right_ in her mind. I mean come on; she was nearly a thousand years old and he sounded like this throat was full of phlegm. That's just not supposed to happen. Then again maybe the drell thought there was something about their combined biotics that would help prolong his life. That brought up a whole new line of unpleasant thoughts in the commander's mind and she felt her skin begin to crawl.

At the final table sat Miranda, Mordin, Tali and Legion. Miranda was only half-listening as Mordin kept up a steady stream of practically one-sided dialogue about the wonders of protein synthesis and genetic structures in different species. Shepard had long come to the conclusion that Mordin could have an engaging conversation all by himself and now it seemed his voice was getting even faster by the minute, which did nothing to sooth her headache or her mood. Miranda, for her part, kept shooting glances back towards Jacob, which annoyed Shepard to no end; if she wanted to be near Jacob then why the hell didn't she get off her genetically perfected ass and _sit_ with him?

Tali and Legion appeared to be having some type of argument, babbling away using nonsense tech terms that she couldn't even begin to understand. The mere fact that she could hear it but not make any sense of it caused her blood pressure to sky rocket. She found in her mind that their voices kept growing louder and louder and more annoying- particularly Legion's, which she found to becoming even more tin, synthetic and irritating than usual. Why the hell wouldn't they just shut up?

Then she found herself listening to everything at the same time; Garrus and Joker's stories, Kelly and Jacob's laughter, Jack and Grunt's shouts of gusto and mayhem, Thane and Samara's blatant show of intimacy when then rubbed their hands over each other's under the table with subtle smirks that tugged at the corners of their mouths, Miranda's gaga-eyes for Jacob, Mordin's steadily increasingly fast monologue, Tali and Legion's use of nonsense techno-babble. She could feel the pressure in her skull building higher and higher. It was insane! She was fed up with all of them! Fed up with their predictable habits! She could feel herself ready to explode. All it would take was one spark and the fuse would be lit.

That spark came right at that moment- in the form of EDI.

"_Shepard, I have detected an urgent message at your terminal from the Illusive Man. He requests that you come to the debriefing room immediately to meet with him._"

Shepard turned around and stared at EDI's avatar; at that big, blue pulsing ball that always seemed to pop up like an annoying mosquito whenever she walked into a room. She saw the bright aura radiating off of it, the white line that ran down the centre and opened every time the AI spoke like a giant sideways mouth. The way it moved seemed to reflect the Illusive Man's attempt to keep a 24/7 watch over the commander. She could see his mouth in her mind moving in the same manner as his bright, soulless eyes stared at her- like EDI's blue aura. She couldn't get the image out of her mind. Nor could she block out the increasingly loud voices that were now running in conjunction with each other.

The spark lit the fuse.

"_THAT'S IT!_" She bellowed, jumping to her feet. Every sound and motion in the room instantly stopped. It was such that you could have heard a pin drop- or multiple hearts temporarily stop beating- or the clicks and whistles of the forward batteries at the other end of the level.

"_Shepard_?" EDI's voice spoke up after a moment of shocked silence. "_Have I offended you_?"

"Offended me?" Shepard said in a high-pitched voice that sounded only half sane. "_Offended me_? Oh yeah, you've really offended me! You know what I'd really like to do?" She got right up in EDI's blue avatar- face to ball- and held up a fork that had been lying on her table menacingly. "I'd like to take this fork and ram it into your control panel every time you pop up the second I walk through a doorway. I'd like to permanently rewrite your programming so when the Illusive Man tells you to make sure I contact him you tell him he can go fuck himself!"

"Commander, don't you think you're being a little hard on her?" Joker asked mildly from his table.

"Joker!" Shepard tossed the fork over her shoulder and strode over towards the pilot, who unconsciously leaned back in his chair away from her. "Jeff 'Joker' Moreau! Our fearless pilot who enjoys cracking jokes as he dodges in and out of enemy fire! And who's always talking about his _poor Vrolik's Syndrome_." She said the last few words mockingly. Her eyes hardened again. "Well, you better get over that fast, Oh-Crippled-One; this is a warship, not a nursing home. If you want to remain on here, you'd better grow a pair and stop complaining about every little possible way you could break every bone in your body. And while you're at it, how 'bout you try and find a _real_ woman to flirt with instead of a synthesized, gender-less AI that wouldn't know love if it came up and bit it in its synthetic ass! _Is that clear?_"

"Perfectly, Commander." Joker managed to croak out, his face covered with a thin layer of sweat.

"Kelly!" Shepard turned and took a menacing step towards the yeoman, who paled and began to tremble in fright. "Our friendly neighbourhood yeoman Kelly Chambers! The most loving person in the galaxy. The friendliest person on this whole ship." She leaned forward and grabbed hold of the arm rests, forcing the yeoman even further into her seat. "And the biggest _annoying, incompetent slut in the galaxy!_"

Kelly's eyes widened and promptly filled with tears. Shepard apparently didn't notice this and continued to rail. "When are you going to learn that fish food is _not_ flax seed and does _not_ _belong in my flax seed container_? Oh I'm sorry, I forgot; your mind is always wrapped around pissing me off every time I walk past you! 'Commander, you've received a new message at your private terminal.' 'No messages for you, Commander.' 'How may I help you, Commander?' Get your head in the game woman, and act like the proper professional you're supposed to be instead of whoring around with everyone you meet!"

The yeoman's chin began to quiver. Shepard stared down at her oblivious and went on. "Jesus Christ Chambers, I've known some promiscuous, screwed up people in the galaxy, but _you_ take the cake! If it were up to you, you'd be fucking every species in the galaxy! And how about on Fairfax, huh? Let me see." She counted off on her fingers. "Two asari, a salarian, a batarian and a krogan! A krogan! And what about all the other people you've been after since we met up? You fucked Garrus after our Celebration on the Citadel; you fucked Thane when he was on the rebound from his usual asari companion," (Thane cast a terrified sideways glance at Samara, but the justicar seemed to be far too engrossed in the commander's blow up to have heard what was said) "and you fucked Mordin after the release of that magazine because you just couldn't stand to be without another species! And don't think for one second I don't know that that hug and all those looks you gave me during the mission were all innocent! You've been dying to get in my pants ever since I came on board! Well, you know what?" She stared hard into her eyes. "Unlike you, I don't whore around like a cheap, tawdry slut."

Kelly, her face and eyes both red, promptly burst into tears and ran crying and sobbing from the room.

"Was that really necessary, Commander?" Garrus asked with just a tad of reproach in his voice.

"Garrus Vakarian!" Shepard pounced and Garrus couldn't help but wince at the wild look in the commander's eyes. "My old and _very_ personal friend! When the hell are you going to stop acting like a nervous testosterone-driven teenager whenever we're alone together? Goddamn it Vakarian, I dumped Kaidan so I could have some hot love from a macho turian rebel, not listen to how you were betrayed, how you're always in the middle of some calibrations and those horrible metaphors you're always spouting off. Grow a couple sets and be a real man, for Christ's sake! Got it?"

Garrus could only stare back and nod dumbly. Unfortunately, Shepard was dead on target with her claims; why was it that he could take down an army of mercs without breaking a sweat but when it came to talking to Shepard he became a tongue-tied bag of nerves? He dared not say a word while Shepard was still in his face; ten to one he'd start stumbling over his words and proving Shepard's point right there before her.

The commander turned her attention to Jacob, who to his credit managed to look at least somewhat not intimidated. "Jacob Taylor! Ex-Alliance soldier, ex-Cerberus officer, ex-hopeful candidate on this edition of 'seduce the recently rebounding Commander Shepard!' You've got a lot of 'ex's' to your name right now, don't you? I guess you can add one more to the list: ex-contestant on 'My Family is Just So Screwed Up'! Suppose you may as well add 'ex-son' as well, since you've stated your father is dead to you. Real progress you've made in the galaxy, Taylor."

Jacob set his jaw and crossed his arms. He wasn't one for being intimidated, even by an angry Shepard, but he'd be lying if he said he was completely at ease. "It's in the past, commander. No need to go raking it up."

Shepard was suddenly in his face looming over him, and he abruptly found himself in a much less stoic position in the back of his chair. "Oh, that's right; the man who never loses his temper and never loses his cool. Well, guess what brother; I could see you cracking apart at the seams when I told you that your efforts had all been in vain. I don't care if that rumour about black men is true; you'll _never_ be in the same league as a _real_ woman!"

"I resent that remark!" Miranda piped up from her table.

Big mistake.

Shepard was across the room, honing in on the ex-Cerberus operative like a heat-seeking missile. Miranda quickly leaned back in her chair as far as she could possibly go, but it wasn't nearly far enough to get away from Shepard's devil-like eyes.

"And you!" The commander said bitingly. "Miranda Lawson! The Illusive Man's former favourite lapdog!" She gave a stone cold glare into Miranda's eyes. "Always going on about how _perfect_ (imitating Miranda's Australian accent) you are and how _smart_ you are and how you're _never wrong_. And how much you _hate_ your father who gave you all those gifts." Her tone hardened even more. "Well, I say _bullshit_! Underneath that icy exterior is just a spoiled little brat yearning for attention she doesn't deserve from everyone around her. Grow up and act your age, Lawson! You look like your twenty-three, but I'd think you'd have been much more mature by the time you turned…"

"Shepard, I beg you- don't say it!" And for the first time in anyone's memory, Miranda Lawson sounded panicked.

Shepard gave an evil smile. "You turned thirty-eight this year. _Thirty-eight!_" There was a collection of shocked gasps from around the room; clearly Miranda had been keeping her true age from practically everyone else on the ship. Jacob, who had been mopping his face after his own tongue-lashing, seemed the most shocked of all. _Is she really going to be thirty-eight? Damn, that would make her a coug-_

"You know I used to think the Illusive Man made you wear those uniforms because he thought it would be an asset when dealing with any males you come into contact with, but I get it now; that cleavage job you got going there is to make you forget you're almost twenty years older than you look. I wonder how it would be in another twenty years; if your chocolate stud muffin over there would still want you in bed when he found out you were almost sixty!"

Miranda's already pale face turned even whiter, while across the room Jacob was making a point to look everywhere except where Miranda was sitting. He suddenly had a slight sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Shepard abruptly turned to following table and got right in Grunt's face. "Grunt. Grunt. What the hell kind of a name is that anyway? Oh I know! It's the name of a big, dumb, bloodthirsty brute who loves carnage galore and can't think for two minutes where the hell he's running to because he's got the brain of a five year old! How many times do I have to tell you to _not_ charge into a group of mercs without my command! If you can't handle taking orders, then maybe I ought to drop you onto the salarian home world and let them decide which would be the best way to neuter you- forever."

A new feeling passed through Grunt at that moment; one he'd never felt before- fear. He had never felt it and he sure as hell didn't like it. He especially didn't like the way it made his tremble before his own battlemaster, and was seriously considering fleeing back to his tank and hiding in it for a few days.

"Jack!" Shepard leaned in real close to the ex-convict; a very dangerous position to be in under normal circumstances. "Jack. What kind of a name is that for a woman? Oh, you know what- I have the answer. It's the name of a woman who doesn't _know_ jack about anything in the real world! How often I've wanted to space you every time you bring up your background. About how Cerberus tortured and drugged you and made you into what you are. Well, you know what? Bullshit! _You_ made yourself into what you are and you relish every moment of it! You hate Cerberus but you go on and on about how powerful you are because of what _they_ did to you! And cut with tough, profanity-throwing attitude; every second word out of your mouth is either 'hell' or 'shit' or 'fuck'. Jesus Christ woman, get your ass serious, 'cause you are _seriously_ fucked up! Do you have any idea what was going through my head when I heard you and Grunt down in the hold the other day? I think I'm going to be scarred for life! You're just lucky I didn't have a grenade with me!"

Jack's chin quivered and she found herself pressed in fear in the back of her chair. She suddenly felt like a scared little girl again, with a much stronger person shouting down at her. She briefly considered hiding under desk or making a break for it. Very few things in the universe could intimidate her. An angry Shepard was one of them.

"Thane!" Shepard went on. "Good old Thane Krios- assassin extraordinaire! Lover of a thousand year old asari justicar and the man who constantly talks as if he has a permanent case of strep throat. Can't very well say you sound like a bullfrog because then I might be accused of _racism_! And your Kepral Syndrome!" She gave herself a face palm. "On and on and on about a disease that's going to kill you in less than a year. Well, your heart is still ticking away perfectly if your nightly activities are anything to go by! And your eidetic memory! How aggravating it is to listen to you go on and on while lost in your own thoughts while I'm standing just beside you listening to you rail on and speak as though I'm not even there! No wonder you're used to spending so much time alone! I shudder to think what people would do if they asked you about how your life has been!"

If it was possible for a drell to pale, Thane sure as hell was paling now. His green skin had taken on a sickly yellow tone and his eyes were darting behind their lenses as though searching for an escape route he had not yet seen.

"Samara!" The commander turned to Thane's companion and the asari's cool steel blue eyes met with Shepard's crazed whiskey coloured ones. "Yes, Shepard?"

"Samara." Shepard shook her head in a mock majestic tone. "The elegant, all-powerful justicar who's given up everything she has ever owned in order to fight evil and protect the weak for absolutely nothing in return. Damn, I'd almost say it was a scene right out of a children's storybook where the pure, all-good law-abiding (or in this case, Code-abiding) protagonist single-handedly defeats every single enemy around her and rescues the poor, defenceless civilians from certain death! Oh yeah, it would be real nice- a real nice story- if it weren't for the fact that this same protagonist would kill all of these innocent civilians in a heartbeat if she so much as smelled an illegal transgression in their past! Not so children-appropriate now, is it?"

"The Code has no loopholes." Samara responded evenly.

"Oh yeah, and this _Code_ of yours dictates every aspect of your life. Damn, do you have _any_ idea how difficult it is for me to keep myself from shooting you in the back of the head just so how I don't have to hear about this _Code_ of yours anymore? And what's more, you're a hypocrite when it come to your own explanations; saying you would never take part in romance yet nearly biotically blowing the windows of the Observation Deck out every night with your drell assassin!"

If it was possible for asari to blush, then the deep shade of extra blue that raced into Samara's face was most definitely that. She cast a sidelong glance into the still pale Thane and gave a rather large swallow.

"And you!" Shepard bore down on Mordin. "Professor Mordin Solus. The man who can talk for hours upon hours about the most _boring_ of topics. Like your _beloved_ genophage of the krogan! And your _exhilarating _work in the STG! And let's not forget your _ever so important_ information on interspecies relationships! Please! This from a man who probably only got laid for the first time in his life just a few days ago by the happy-go-lucky yeoman! As if the speed at which you talk isn't bad enough! I swear, if you don't start speaking more like a normal person _ASAP_, I'll personally slip you a suppressant so strong, you won't be able to say more than two words in ten minutes!" She leaned right over him. "_Is that clear_?"

Mordin, apparently terrified at the notion of being forced to speak and act that slowly, quickly murmured, "Yes! Perfectly!"

"Tali!" Shepard turned towards the quarian, who quickly recoiled and began to tremble in fear. "All I've ever heard about from you since we first met two years ago was about how life was back on the flotilla! You talk about how the quarians are going to one day re-take the home world, about how strong the flotilla will be when it destroys the geth forces and weakens both itself and the neutral geth to the point where the Reapers will just be able to walk in and steamroll over all of you! All you ever talk about is 'back on the flotilla…' Well I got news for you missy; this is the _Normandy_. If you can't handle life aboard here, you'd better get your sorry ass back to the flotilla and hope that the useless politicking Admiralty Board doesn't decide to go charging into geth-controlled space with you aboard. _Got it_?"

Tali could only let out a mere terrified squeak and give a quick nod.

"And you!" Shepard's eyes bore into Legion. "Legion! Legion- our outcast among outcasts! The BFG- Big Friendly Geth! Do you know how often I've had to fight my urge to turn you into scrap metal whenever you start speaking with your tin voice? God Almighty, it's like scraping nails against a rusty metal wall! Whenever I leave the AI core, my head feel like it's ready to blow into a million pieces! I'm sick of it! And your _perfect_ way of talking, as though you're some smart hotshot in a ship filled with Neanderthals! And your need to reach a consensus that drives me up the wall every time I think about it!"

Legion spoke up normally. "We believe your anger towards this platform is completely unjustified."

Shepard's eyes narrowed. Legion hesitated for a moment. Then its facial plates pulled back and it turned slightly away from the commander. "Searching for an alternative human voice for this platform."

Like a rolling victor, Shepard spun around and looked at everyone in the room, unable to stop the unbelievably good feeling of unloading everything off her chest. "All of you!" She shouted out. "All of you drive me insane with your habits and particularities! You are without question the most screwed up group in the entire universe! If I hadn't needed your particular skills to help fight the Collectors, I would have kicked your asses all the way from here to…"

"Commander! What on earth is going on here?"

Shepard stopped and turned in the direction towards the elevator. Standing with her arms crossed and wearing a severe expression was Dr. Chakwas. EDI's avatar had popped up in the space beside her; evidently the AI had gone for reinforcements in the crew bunks.

"Doc!" Shepard grinned wildly. "Good old proper, reliable Dr. Chakwas!" She said, mocking the doctor's British accent. "Always being the voice of calm and reason of this ship, even when _it's not wanted!_"

"Commander, what the hell did you do to Yeoman Chambers?" Dr. Chakwas asked severely. "The poor girl came sobbing and wailing into the crew's sleeping quarters not five minutes ago; I had to administer a sedative in order to prevent her from going into hysteria."

Shepard shrugged. "She shouldn't make herself such an easy target by sleeping with every alien in the galaxy. Speaking of which doc, you really need to get blinders for the windows in the Med Bay; you and Gardner almost struck me blind last time!"

Dr. Chakwas merely raised an eyebrow. "Commander, have you been drinking my Serrice Ice Brandy before bed again?"

"What?" Shepard looked both flustered and confused. "No, of course not! What the hell are you talking about?"

"As I recall it, when you purchased that replacement bottle for me on the Citadel and we shared a drink together, you woke up the next morning with an extremely bad temper. As I remember, you went on a profanity-laced tirade, saying something about how you would teach 'those fuckers to screw around' with you. You were on your way out of Miss Lawson's office when it happened."

"That was then?" Miranda called out. "I though she was talking about the Collectors!"

"In my mind at that time, you looked like a Collector!" Shepard shouted back.

"Commander, you know how my brandy affects your mood." Dr. Chakwas said reproachfully. "I specifically told you not to take it on an empty stomach; otherwise you'll become like you are now."

"So what if I did have a shot or two?" Shepard cried. "I need some relaxation on this damn ship! This group," she gestured wildly towards them, "drives me crazy with their day-in-and-day-out attitudes! I wanted to get drunk, so I got drunk! And there's nothing you can do or say that will make me change my mind!" She defiantly strode out of the room towards the elevator.

The group waited until they heard the sound of the doors closing. Then EDI replied dryly before disappearing, "_Her mood seems to be slowly improving_."

Dr. Chakwas sighed and face-palmed herself. "I really need to find a better hiding spot for that brandy." She murmured. Out loud, she said to the group, "Please don't be upset at whatever it is that Shepard told all of you. Obviously she was not in her right mind when she said it and most likely did not mean it."

The group murmured in agreement, though in each of their minds they couldn't help but acknowledge that maybe some of what Shepard had said had been the truth.

"What could have caused this?" Tali asked out loud.

"Impossible to say for certain, but more than likely a number of things put together. Frankly I'm surprised it took this long for it to happen.

"The commander's mood will likely improve in the next few hours, after the combination of her alcohol consumption, lack of coffee and stress has worn off." The doctor continued. "I will see that she does not leave her quarters until that has happened. Until then, I believe Miss Lawson, as the XO, is in charge." She turned and strolled out of the room.

Everyone turned around and looked at Miranda. "Oh!" She exclaimed. "Well then, I believe our breakfast time has finished. Everyone get to their posts. And…" she winced visibly, "I believe it would be prudent if we all just forgot about everything that was said here."

There was no voice of dissent for that remark and soon everyone was busy heading off to their stations.

All except one.

"Thane…" Samara's cool, powerful voice penetrated the room. "What was that Shepard was talking about with you and Yeoman Chambers?"

**A/N: Another long crack fic that was fun to do! Tell me what you think!**

**BTW, this is something I've long been wanting to write about- about how normally the crew's personality would drive Shepard crazy. Especially Tali. God! I love Tali- she's really cute and has a cute voice- but if she mentions the flotilla or says about how the quarians are going to retake the home world and destroy the geth when the two sides need to work together one more time...**


	14. Chapter 14

In the Starboard Observation Deck, Shepard nuzzled against her turian lover and let out a sigh of content relief. The room had been temporarily vacated after Samara had left to buy a new assault rifle on the Citadel, so the commander had chosen to spend a quiet moment with Garrus observing the sheer, dark endlessness of the galaxy. Countless stars seemed to reach out to them, offering up another chance to remind them that their whole life didn't revolve around endless combat and mission after mission.

"It never gets old, huh?" Garrus murmured into her ear.

She shook her head. "Nope."

"It kind of makes you want to…"

"Break into song?"

Garrus gave his version of a small smile and slight nod. "Yup."

Shepard: _**I love my handgun**_

Garrus: _**I love to calibrate**_

Their singing soon spread across to every member of the _Normandy_'s crew.

Miranda: (looking at her reflection in a mirror) _**I love perfection**_

Jacob: (dreaming about Miranda) _**I love my Aussie mate!**_

Shepard, Garrus, Miranda and Jacob: _**I love the galaxy**_

Kelly: (looking longingly at many different species of aliens) _**And all its choices!**_

Gardner: (knocking a wrench against a pipe) _**Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda**_

Dr. Chakwas: (drumming on her desk with two Serrice Ice Brandy bottles) _**Boom de Yadda, Boom Yadda!**_

Tali: (staring lovingly at her combat drone) _**I love Chiktikka**_

Mordin: (accidently setting fire to his cure for cancer) _**I love Incinerate**_

Grunt: (gleefully charging towards a Thresher Maw) _**I love to kill big things**_

Jack: (imagining slaughtering the Illusive Man) _**I love how revenge is great!**_

Tali, Mordin, Grunt and Jack: _**I love the galaxy**_

Joker: (dodging in and out of enemy fire) _**And all its relaxing trips!**_

Ken: (thinking about the strength of Gabby's 'barrier') _**Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda**_

Gabby: (thinking about calibrating Ken's 'weapon') _**Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda!**_

Samara: (remembering Thane's 'skill and accuracy') _**I love his stamina**_

Thane: (remembering his last night with the thousand year old Samara) _**I love experience**_

Legion: (trying to gain a consensus about its recent 'interaction' with Tali) _**We are conflicted about the concept of emotion**_

The Illusive Man: (traumatized about losing the Collector Base) _**I've never been the same since!**_

Samara, Thane, Legion and The Illusive Man: _**I love the galaxy**_

EDI: (thinking about her relationship with Joker) _**It is such a confusing place**_

All: _**Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda… **_

The singing spread all over the galaxy. Shepard gave another smile and nuzzled closer to her 'Archangel'. "The galaxy is just awesome, isn't it Garrus?"

"Amen to that Shepard. Amen to that."

**A/N: Loving the Discovery Channel ad and having done the same thing for an NCIS story of mine, I just couldn't pass up the chance to do one for Mass Effect. There are two different commercials like this, so I may do another one of these for this story- if I get enough feedback!**


	15. Chapter 15

"…de Yadda, Boom de Yadda…"

"Man," Shepard remarked, shaking her head in amusement. "I can _not_ get that song out of my head."

"Totally." Garrus agreed in a tone that was completely unGarrus-like. "I'm going round again."

Shepard: _**I love my turian**_

Garrus: _**I love that one last shot**_

Kelly: (striding into a suspicious alleyway with many different species) _**I love variety**_

Aria: (taking in the respect she's shown on Omega) _**I love my strength a lot!**_

Shepard, Garrus, Kelly and Aria: _**I love the galaxy**_

Gianna: (going undercover again) _**And all its secrecy! **_

The nameless crew members who sit in the _Normandy_: (as dryly and motionlessly as they always are) _**Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda**_

Niket: (gasping through the shotgun hole in his back) _**Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda!**_

Kaidan: (wondering about Ilos) _**I love good memories**_

Wrex: (sitting bored on his throne) _**I hate this relaxing crap**_

Liara: (experiencing the might of her biotics) _**I love my new dark edge**_

Emily Wong: (trying to interview a merc in the middle of a firefight) _**I love to prod and yap!**_

Kaidan, Wrex, Liara and Emily: _**I love the galaxy**_

Anderson: (hitting his head against a wall and face-palming himself after dealing with the rest of the Council) _**With all its good and bad!**_

Hackett:(taking his cruiser for nice little ride) _**Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda**_

Harbinger: (in a loud booming voice) _**Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda!**_

Singing was temporarily halted by Anderson 'accidently' causing the turian councillor to trip and knock himself out. Anderson stared down at his unconscious form for a moment then ushered the stunned crowd along. "Nothing to see here people. Nothing to see."

Oriana: (happily typing away) _**I love my big sis**_

Zaeed: (cleaning his weapon) _**I love my Bessy**_

Udina: (revelling in the attention he gets from other politicians) _**I love bureaucracy**_

Ashley: (lying against the nuclear bomb on Virmire) _**But not when things are messy.**_

Oriana, Zaeed, Udina and Ashley: _**I love the galaxy**_

Kasumi: _**So many things to steal…**_

All: _**Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda, Boom de Yadda…**_

"You know Shepard, you were right."

"About what?"

"The galaxy is still just awesome."

**A/N: So what do you think of this chapter! Please send me feedback!**


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N:** **Some of these banters are intended to be more humorous than the rest, but all of them are intended to interest you. I think some could be used as legitimate party banter. Enjoy!**

**Oh, and be sure to check out my fic 'I Love You, But Can I Trust You?' I'm swamped with university work right now, but I promise I'll update ASAP.**

**Garrus:** (fiddling with Omni-tool) Damn it! Thane, I've forgotten the password to my Omni-tool again. You mind giving me a hand?

**Thane:** _I wake to hum of engines running. Joints creak as I stretch them. Garrus types at his Omni-tool in the Mess Hall- _Shepard'sWaist4Ever.

**Garrus:** Ah, got it. Thanks a lot. (Walks off typing at his Omni-tool).

**Miranda:** Ah, Thane, there you are. I was just about to write off a report to the Illusive Man about our mission progress, but I accidently deleted my hard copy and my selective memory has made me forget what I intended to say.

**Thane:** _I walk into Miranda's office. The smell of strong perfume. Overwhelms, engulfs. She types at her unit. A picture of a shirtless Jacob stands by her bedside. Her fingers move across the unit. 'Must think up different ways to piss off Shepard without losing her loyalty'._

**Miranda: **Of course. Thank you, Thane. (Walks off).

**Jack:** Hey assassin. I think someone's been rifling through my shit below. Got any idea on who it might be?

**Thane:** (sighing) _Clobbering footsteps below. Heavy, thunderous. The elevator opens. Grunt stands there, two shotguns in hand. His in the right, Jack's in the left. Wide grin on his face. He bellows. 'Jack's puny shotgun ain't got nothing on mine!' He squeezes his left hand. Shotgun shatters in two._

**Jack:** Son of a bitch! I owe you, Krios! (Runs off)

**Kasumi: **Hey, Thane. I don't suppose you could tell me Jacob's workout schedule, could you? (Grins mischievously).

**Thane:** _Impatience grows. Annoyance, irritation. The thief presses on with her question. I grit my teeth. Hand moves towards my pistol…_

**Kasumi:** Uh, on second thought, I… gotta go practice my stealth skills! See yah! (Quickly cloaks and disappears.)

Miranda is Shot Coming through the Second Door in the Collector Base

**Shepard:** Miranda! No! This is all my fault! I should have taken the time to prepare more thoroughly before we came through the Omega-4 Relay!

**Miranda:** Shepard…

**Shepard:** I should have gone to help your sister on Illium when we had the chance! Now little Oriana will never know that she has a sister who loves and cares about her!

**Miranda:** Shepard…

**Shepard: **I also didn't mean it when I said you were totally bitchy when we first met! Really! I was just jealous of how well your suit brings out your curves! It's much better at showing that than my clunky armour here and…

**Miranda:** Shepard! I'm fine!

**Shepard:** But… how…?

**Miranda: **My suit is made of an indestructible alloy that is resistant to all types of damage. You could hit me with a flamethrower below the neck and it still wouldn't hurt me. It was specially ordered by the Illusive Man since he knew how important I am to Cerberus.

**Shepard:** Oh. Well, then… (Business-like) Better get with the program, Lawson. Wouldn't want you to miss writing a report to your boss about how _perfect_ you were during this mission. (Walks away)

**Miranda:** (Watches her, shaking her head). I can crush a mech with my biotics or blow its head off at a hundred yards, but I will _never _understand what goes on in the head of that woman.

**A/N: Yeah, I know this is short and preliminary but tell me what you think so far! I got many more ideas but if you have any suggestions about inter-party banter, I'm all ears!**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Here's an alternative way all that some of the couples in this story could have gotten together.**

**Shepard:** Oh, Garrus, could you come over here? I need your help in some... _calibrations_. And I hear you're an _expert _in it... Wait... are you still making adjustments to the Thanix cannon? I thought you said you were finished with those calibrations...

**Garrus:** One less to worry about!

**Shepard:** Really? About time! I mean, uh... now that you're done, why don't you come over and sit next to me? I'm sure I could give you a much better sight to look at...

**Garrus:** Scoped and dropped!

**Shepard:** (blinks) Well, damn, I expected I would be the forward one in this situation! Never mind. I'm just I can finally find someone in this damn galaxy I can truly trust. I just hope I have enough of that ointment Mordin gave me; the last time we did this, I broke out in a horrible rash. In fact I've skill got some bumps on my stomach from the allergic reaction...

**Garrus:** Scratch one!

**Shepard:** What? No, I tried that- it didn't work. Forget about it; we've got more important things to do. Let me just get something first. (Reaches into pocket and discovers she's forgotten Mordin's specially designed inter-species condoms). Damn. (To Garrus). No shields!

**Garrus: **(in frustration) Perfect!

**Shepard: **Aw, screw it. Get over here, you big macho turian!

(An hour later).

**Shepard:** Oh God... Garrus... when are you... gonna... finish? Can't... take... much more! (Garrus rolls off her). What are you doing? I was almost there! What happened?

**Garrus:** Never saw me coming!

**Shepard:** ...

**Garrus:** (contently to himself, staring downwards) I love this rifle...

* * *

**Miranda:** Ah, Jacob, there you are. I was wondering if I could talk to you about...

**Jacob: **Get over here!

**Miranda:** (too quickly) YES! I mean, uh... what do you mean? I received a message from asking me to meet you in the engine room. I sent you one back explaining that I couldn't because of what happened the last time we went to 'talk' there. Didn't you get...?

**Jacob:** I got it!

**Miranda:** Oh. Well, then why did you ask for me to meet you? After all, I thought my response was... (Eyes drift down Jacob's body) PERFECT! Did you not understand?

**Jacob:** (seeing where Miranda's eyes are focused on his body) Gravity's one mean mother, huh?

**Miranda:** (muttering) Don't I know it. (aloud) Well, as flattering as your offer is, I'm afraid I can't afford to have any weaknesses. Considering my high position within Cerberus, it would...

**Jacob:** You're done!

**Miranda:** What are you... oh, right. We don't work for Cerberus anymore. And all those rules and regulations no longer apply. Alright fine- you want it, you'll get it. But there's still the matter of personal safety. Are you really sure you want to do this, Jacob? Because you need to remember that I'm _not_ gentle.

**Jacob:** Throwing up a barrier! (throws up biotic barrier)

**Miranda:** You think that's going protect you? (activates biotics and disables Jacob's barricade) I'll crush them!

**Jacob:** The hell you will! (throws up another biotic barrier) Nothing can hurt me now!

**Miranda:** Oh, _really_? (disables Jacob's barricade again) Here we go!

**Jacob: **What the... (Miranda jumps on top of him) Oh God...

**Miranda:** Now let's finish you off!

(Two hours later)

**Miranda:** (smirking down at Jacob's unconscious form) Nighty night!

* * *

**Grunt: **Ah, there you are, human! Ready for a re-match at the drinking contest?

**Jack:** Fuck you, asshole! I beat you fair and square. Get out of my face!

**Grunt: **Or what?

**Jack:** I'll throw you like a toy!

**Grunt:** The hell you will! I'll rip you apart with my bare hands!

**Jack: **Try it, motherfucker!

**Grunt:** (knocking Jack to the ground). Yeah! Right on your ass!

**Jack:** You son of a bitch! I'm going to rip you a new asshole! (jumps up)

**Grunt:** On the ground, NOW!

**Jack: **Over my dead body! (sends Grunt flying with a biotic hit) Fly, bitch!

**Grunt:** (gasping for air) Why you little...

**Jack:** Aw, is the big perfect krogan really just a big pussy? Now it's getting fun! I should've...

**Grunt:** Too late! (suddenly tackles Jack) Now you're dead!

**Jack:** Really? (pins Grunt against a wall) Hello, dead person!

(Both stare at each other, breathing heavily for a few moments)

**Jack:** (bluntly) Are we gonna fuck already or are you just gonna stand there gasping like the weak-ass pussy that you seem to be?

**Grunt:** The hell I am! You know who you're dealing with?

**Jack:** A big dumb virgin brute?

**Grunt:** I. Am. _KROGAN!_

**Jack:** (glancing downward) Ho-ly shit. Guess you are after all.

**Grunt:** And what makes you think you're worthy of a warrior like me?

**Jack: **(groaning) Oh... (grabs Grunt) Come here!

* * *

**A/N: Please review! You want me to do more?**


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